Blog of the Grateful Bear

On Occupying Wall Street and Taking Action Locally

2011-10-14T18:31:00.004-04:00

As a supporter of the Occupy Wall Street movement, I'm not looking to the government for solutions. The government might be able to provide some limited solutions, but most of us who walk that fine line between "liberal" (a believer in the self-correcting character of American democracy, to use Howard Zinn's definition) and "radical" (believing that something fundamental is wrong in this country - something rotten at the root; again quoting Zinn) believe government is just as much a problem as the corporations. In fact, the MAIN problem is the undue influence the two have over each other. The folks in the Occupy movements are not looking to Obama or any other government leaders, as witnessed by the fact that Congressman John Lewis, whom we all admire, was asked by the Occupy Atlanta assembly to wait until the appropriate time in the meeting before addressing us. (He understood but was unable to wait and left, which many misinterpreted as a refusal to let Rep. Lewis speak.)

A friend of mine who says he is "not a huge fan of Occupy Wall Street" posted this on Facebook: "...I'd advocate an organic approach to the problem. The rich have the power they do because consumers give it to them by the choices they make with their wealth. But if all Americans together chose to withdraw their funds from Bank of America, for example, it would destroy the corporation. If individuals worked together doing things like this, the rich would be at the mercy of the '99%'.”

I agree whole-heartedly with what my friend writes about an organic approach. Another friend of mine posted on her Facebook page, "It took a protest for people to know there are credit unions and local banks? Do you know about home gardening and local farmers yet? Recycling? Barter? DIY? Books?" I think both of my friends make a good point. A lot of the structure we need is already in place; we need for more people to be aware of these alternatives and start using them. I'd add to my friend's list: food co-ops like Sevananda in Atlanta and Life Grocery in Marietta; community radio stations like WRFG 89.3 Atlanta; and indie coffeehouses like Cool Beans on Marietta Square. Support local businesses rather than chains. Download ebooks from the website of an indie bookstore - find one at http://www.indiebound.org/google-ebooks - rather than from Kindle or Nook. Buy fresh food from your local farmer's market instead of cellophane-wrapped frankenfoods at the supermarket.

I think G. K. Chesterton, the English writer who had a huge influence on C. S. Lewis, J. R. R. Tolkien, and many others, would agree about an organic approach. I'm reading Chesterton's book on economics, The Outline of Sanity (1926), and it is blowing my mind. According to him, capitalism is just as flawed as socialism. He defines capitalism as "that economic condition in which there is a class of capitalists, roughly recognisable and relatively small, in whose possession so much of the capital is concentrated as to necessitate a very large majority of the citizens serving those capitalists for a wage." According to Chesterton, small shopkeepers, craftsmen, co-operative owner-workers, and independent professionals [like me; I'm self-employed] are not capitalists because we're not wage earners. "They are people who work for themselves, not for others; they are people who possess private property - however limited and however precariously - and thus act according to their own reasonable wishes, not according to the demands and whims of a small governing class" (from the publisher's introduction). G. K. Chesterton views both capitalism and socialism as enemies of a truly free market.

I'm not saying we don't need the protests in Occupy Atlanta and other cities around the world. I support them wholeheartedly, and I'm grateful I was present at the general assembly on October 7th when the Atlanta occupation began. As another friend said that night, I feel like I was present at a historic moment. But I do think we can do more than just protest. Yes, let's march on the Bank of America and exercise our constitutional right to protest. But let's also take action by taking our money OUT of Bank of America (and any other megacorporations) and putting it back into our local communities, our local economies, where it belongs.

The Werewolf Priest

2011-09-26T15:47:00.000-04:00

The vampire comes to my office for absolution, for the Rite of Reconciliation. I can’t tell if he is mocking me or if he is sincere.

“My name is Aaben, and I have a thousand demons in my head. Can you help me?”

If he thinks I can help him it is because, unlike my parishioners, he knows what I am. A werewolf, a creature of the night in some ways like him, in many ways not. He can smell it, just as I can smell the faint odor of death on him like cigarette smoke in his hair.

He leans across my desk, his profane elbows resting on my prayer book. “Is there absolution for monstrous creatures like us?”

“There is absolution for anyone,” I hear myself saying. “Even you and I. That’s what’s so deeply offensive, so horrific about this Gospel to which I am bound.”

“Which is more horrific?” he asks. “When you pray, or when you prey?”

BookLog: Kissing Fish

2011-08-31T13:00:00.007-04:00

Kissing Fish: Christianity for People Who Don't Like Christianity is an intriguing book from the moment you see its front cover: a photo of a Jesus fish and a Darwin fish kissing each other, surrounded by bumper stickers like “Christian, Not Closed Minded.” This is an unusual book in that it’s a serious theological work, but it’s also interspersed with deeply personal passages in which the author, Roger Wolsey, shares his own journey of faith. The result is a very readable and enjoyable book that shares theological insights without seeming preachy or overly scholastic.

Wolsey’s mission is to articulate a new understanding of Christianity, which he terms Progressive Christianity, and which differs significantly from the conservative evangelical faith that most Americans think of as “Christianity.” Wolsey’s Progressive Christianity is very similar to “the emerging Christian paradigm” Marcus Borg writes about in several of his books, including The Heart of Christianity: Rediscovering a Life of Faith. In a key passage in chapter 2 of Kissing Fish, which I will quote here at length, Wolsey gives an overview of Progressive Christianity as he sees it:

Progressive Christianity is a post-liberal, post-modern influenced approach to the Christian faith that: proclaims Jesus of Nazareth as Christ, Savior, and Lord; emphasizes the Way and teachings of Jesus, not merely His person; emphasizes God’s immanence not merely God’s transcendence; leans toward panentheism rather than supernatural theism; emphasizes salvation here and now instead of primarily in heaven later; emphasizes being saved for robust, abundant/eternal life over being saved from hell; emphasizes the social/communal aspects of salvation instead of merely the personal; stresses social justice as integral to Christian discipleship; takes the Bible seriously but not necessarily literally, embracing a more interpretive, metaphorical understanding; emphasizes orthopraxy instead of orthodoxy (right actions over right beliefs); embraces reason as well as paradox and mystery – instead of blind allegiance to rigid doctrines and dogmas; does not consider homosexuality to be sinful; and doesn’t claim that Christianity is the only valid or viable way to connect to God (is non-exclusive).

In Section I of Kissing Fish, Wolsey examines each of these tenets in detail, in chapters like “Heaven & Hell & what about all those other religions?” and “The Bible: Book of Science, Rules, Facts, Myths, or Life?” Section II (which I’ll write about in a future blogpost) is devoted to living a life of love, peace, and justice, including spiritual practices for the progressive Christian.

Here are some questions for my fellow progressive, emergent, and missional Christians (as well as for my post-Christian friends): What do you think of Wolsey’s summary of Progressive Christianity? Are there parts of his summary you disagree with, or might have worded differently? Are such summaries even useful, given the highly individualized nature of progressive or emergent faith? (I think they can be very useful, if only to let others know that there are other, valid forms of Christianity besides the evangelical, conservative versions.)

Kissing Fish is available from Wolsey’s website, www.progressivechristianitybook.com. It’s also available as an eBook from Nook, Kindle, iBooks, and Google eBooks. If you download it from this link you’ll be supporting Charis Books and More, Atlanta’s independent feminist bookstore. You can also check out the Facebook page for Kissing Fish.

Please feel free to add your comments and responses below. Comments on this blog are moderated, so your comments won't show up immediately.

Queer Theology: Outside the Box

2011-08-10T00:09:00.004-04:00

The Anarchist Reverend has issued a Call for a Queer Theology Synchroblog on August 11th: “On that day I want people to blog about what queer theology means to them. I want you to share your story of how reading the Bible queerly has changed your life. I want you to talk about how your sexuality or your gender identify has brought you deeper into relationship with God.”

This post is my response to that call. In some ways, I feel like I’ve been answering that call for the past 11 years. From 2000 to 2006 I was a regular contributor to (and I’m still a supporter of) Whosoever, the online magazine for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender Christians. I’ve told a lot of my story in articles on that site, beginning with this one: Journey of Faith, Journey of Acceptance. I’ve also told my story in articles, essays, and poetry for White Crane Journal, Visionary (Gay Spirit Visions), RFD (Radical Faerie Digest), and the Gay and Lesbian Review.

But in thinking about the Anarchist Reverend’s call, I wondered what, to me, the greatest gift of queer theology might be. I think it’s this: our ability to do theology and embrace spirituality “outside the box.” For many of us, this has been a necessity, not a voluntary option, when we’ve been forced outside the boxes of our own faith tradition. Many of us have been forced out by being wounded or rejected by religion, while some of us have simply recognized that our experiences – our reality – doesn’t square with the theology we’ve been taught by our tradition. As I wrote in my article Journey of Faith, Journey of Acceptance: “I began to wonder if a theology that didn’t square with reality was a theology worth having at all.”

Some of us have responded to being forced “outside the box” by leaving organized religion altogether, and I certainly can’t fault or judge my queer brothers and sisters who have chosen to do that. Some of us have found ways to reclaim our religious traditions. Others of us have found ways to reclaim what was good about our religious tradition, while incorporating elements and practices from other traditions into our personal spirituality. After all, if we’ve already been forced “outside the box,” why limit ourselves to just one particular theological box? In struggling to free ourselves from a toxic “either/or” religion, many of us have moved on to a “both/and” spirituality. I've had friends over the years who have described themselves as Christian Buddhist, or Jewfi (Jewish Sufi), or Budeo-Pagan, or “ambispiritual,” or “panspiritual.” One of my best friends describes himself as an animistic Radical Faerie Sufi Pagan Christian.

As an Emergent Episcopalian who is also a student of Sufism as a devotional path, I can relate. I think it’s healthy to explore prayers, practices, and perspectives beyond one’s own tradition. I am not Pagan or Wiccan, but many of my friends and loved ones are, and my own spirituality has been deeply enriched by my connections with them and by my occasional participation in their rituals. I am not Buddhist, but I have learned much from attending Buddhist meditation classes and services. And the writings of the Zen monk Thich Nhat Hahn have had a profound impact on me – especially his wonderful and profound book, Living Buddha, Living Christ.

I have read articles criticizing this “cafeteria approach” to spirituality. Those who use the cafeteria metaphor are usually purists (or fundamentalists) who look down their noses at those of us whose experiences don’t easily fit into just one religion. The reality is that many of us who are queer have woven together our own individualized spiritualities from bits and pieces of different traditions – whatever works for us and connects us to the Divine.

As Karen Armstrong said in Tricycle: The Buddhist Review (Summer 2003), “The new pluralism is already a fact of life. It is not that we are going to create a giant ‘World Religion,’ but rather that people turn quite naturally for nourishment to more than one tradition. More Christians than Jews read Martin Buber, for example, and Jews read Paul Tillich and Harvey Cox. People call themselves Christian or Jewish Buddhists. And this cross-fertilization could revitalize sagging traditions and infuse them with new life.”

That ability to cross-fertilize, to weave together a vibrant spirituality that revitalizes us personally and maybe even revitalizes the traditions themselves – that, I think, is one of the greatest theological gifts of those of us who are queer, or of anyone else who has been forced “outside the box” of any religious tradition.

To read what others have written as part of the Queer Theology Synchroblog, click here.

Easter: The Promise of Resurrection

2011-04-23T11:21:00.002-04:00

Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime.
~ Martin Luther

Jesus dies 'for' us not in the sense of 'in place of' but 'in solidarity with.' The first is merely a heavenly transaction of sorts; the second is a transformation of our very soul and the trajectory of history.
~ Fr. Richard Rohr

Because Jesus took into himself on the cross every evil and every sin and every brokenness to come upon this planet, there is the fragile but living hope that one day even Satan may once again join the sons of God when they gather round their Maker, and that he will beg to be allowed once again to carry the light. For, as Saint Paul wrote to the people of Philippi, "Every knee shall bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of the Father."
~ Madeleine L'Engle, from Glimpses of Grace

I believe in the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth as Jesus the Christ, and the resurrection of the body of all creatures great and small, not the literal resurrection of this tired body, this broken self, but the body as it was meant to be, the fragmented self made new; so that at the end of time all Creation will be One.
~ Madeleine L'Engle, from The Irrational Season

Watching Rob Bell Squirm

2011-03-19T10:54:00.008-04:00

My Calvinist friend Brandon Dyer sent me a link to this interview with Rob Bell by MSNBC's Martin Bashir. The YouTube video is titled "MSNBC Host Makes Rob Bell Squirm" - and indeed Rob Bell does squirm throughout the interview, which many evangelical bloggers are intepreting as meaning the interviewer "trapped" Bell or caught him in a contradiction. But the reason Rob Bell is squirming (other than the politely hostile tone of the questions Bashir is asking) is because he keeps being asked the same questions over and over again, even after he has given an answer. The problem is that that Martin Bashir doesn't understand the answers and thinks Rob Bell is being evasive or nonsensical. As one commenter on the YouTube site puts it, "Bashir was only trying to get the truth of what Bell believes, and Bell seems to side-step the question giving strange meaningless answers... this is after Bashir asks him the SAME question 3 different times!"

If it seems at times like Rob Bell and Martin Bashir are talking two completely different languages, that's because they are. Bell is a post-modernist, comfortable with ambiguity and paradox, willing to ask questions and admit he doesn't know the answers, celebrating the diversity of views found in the historical Christian "stream." Bashir is clearly a modernist, who believes faith is a matter of propositional truth. Bashir believes only one of the propositions he raises about God and the disaster in Japan can be true and one cannot. The answers Rob Bell gives ARE meaningless to Bashir, who is unable to rise above his modernist "either/or" worldview and see that Bell is giving perfectly acceptable "both/and" answers. I imagine if Bashir were to interview Brian McLaren or Peter Rollins (or any of my Emergent friends), it would go the same way. Bell is squirming because he realizes he is not being understood. To quote Cool Hand Luke, "what we've got here is a failure to communicate."

I haven't read Rob Bell's new book yet (I agree with the title: Love Wins), but from my deep-skimming of it on my Nook Color, it really doesn't look like he's saying anything new. He is raising the same questions Madeleine L'Engle, Marcus Borg, Dom Crossan, and others raised back in the 1980's and 1990's - and which Origen raised in the AD 200's. Raising these questions is what got Madeleine L'Engle branded a universalist and banned from most Christian bookstores in the 1980's. I'm sure there will be many Christian bookstores that will not carry Rob Bell's new book. (There are already many that no longer sell Brian McLaren's books.)

True communication between worldviews IS possible. I'm grateful for conservative friends like Brandon, as well as my friend Doug LeBlanc (who was an associate editor at Christianity Today when I first met him in 2001) and some of my Baptist friends - friends with whom I can respectfully disagree and have true dialogue. Such dialogue not likely to happen, though, in a 7-minute interview on a cable news network.

Rob Bell's book Love Wins is available at Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/006204964X/wildfaith

O Holy Night

2010-12-19T13:26:00.005-05:00

Repeating (and updating) a blogpost from a few years ago about my all-time favorite Christmas song, “O Holy Night” ~

I love the history of this 1847 song (the first song to be broadcast on radio, in 1906), a song that was initially rejected by many churches because its lyricist was a “free-thinker” wine merchant, its composer was Jewish, and its third verse was decidedly anti-slavery:

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother,
And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sadly, most recorded versions of “O Holy Night” leave out that third verse. A recent one that doesn’t is on Holly Happy Days, a beautiful, mostly-acoustic new CD from the Indigo Girls. Another is on the Christmas Offerings CD by Third Day, one of my favorite Christian rock groups.

Both versions are good renditions of my all-time favorite Christmas carol, which has a somewhat-gnostic bent in its first verse: equating “sin” with “error” (rather than disobedience or transgression) and describing the appearance of the Christ child as the time when “the soul felt its worth.”

May your soul feel its true worth this Christmas!

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Loving the Nook Color

2010-12-05T12:29:00.003-05:00

Last month I bought a Nook Color, the new e-reader (“Reader’s Tablet”) from Barnes & Noble, and I'm loving it!

The CNET review of the Nook Color says, “Barnes & Noble is keeping the focus and apps and content related to the reading experience... Yawn.” I'm a reader, not a tech geek, so “the reading experience” is NOT a yawn for me, and neither is the Nook Color.

I don't think the Nook Color will be “a Kindle/iPad killer,” as one review suggests. There's definitely a market for all 3 products. My friends and loved ones who have Kindles (including my Mom) love their Kindles.

I went with the Nook Color because, unlike the Kindle and the regular Nook, it has a touch-screen, and because it features color, not just e-ink. Two free children's books come with the Nook Color, so Barnes & Noble can show off its color features. Also, after the first of the year, the Nook Color will upgrade its operating system to Android 2.2, to be Flash-compatible, so I'll be able to use it to surf websites that use Flash.

The Nook Color lets you organize your e-books on “shelves” on your virtual bookcase. So I have one shelf labeled Bible/Prayer (which includes the English Standard Version of the Bible, a free download from Nook Books) as well as Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals, the new book from Shane Claiborne, Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove, and Enuma Okoro (I'm using it now for my daily prayer, so I decided to have the e-version as well as the physical book). I also have shelves for Books by Friends, Classics/Poetry (many of the Barnes & Noble Classics are only $1.99), Existentialism, and Zombies.

I also like the built-in Pandora radio app (mine is tuned to the Grateful Dead station) and the way magazines are displayed. Color photos seem more crisp, clear, and vibrant on the Nook Color than they do in print magazines, especially the photos in National Geographic. You can read magazines in portrait (one-page) or panoramic (two-page) view, and you can double-tap the screen to zoom in on a page. You can also read articles in “article view,” as a single column of text, if you don't want to be bothered by magazine ads. I've subscribed to several magazines electronically (New York Times Book Review, National Geographic, Men's Health, The American Scholar), and I can read them on my Nook Color without having to worry about the print magazines piling up and having to recycle them later. (Same thing with paperback novels I won't be re-reading.) When my print subscription to Vanity Fair runs out, I'll subscribe to it via Nook.

The only drawback is that some of the books offered by Kindle are not offered by Nook (like The Big Book of Christian Mysticism by my friend Carl McColman) - but I've also discovered a few books from Nook that are not offered by Kindle.

The Nook Color is an e-reader, a “Reader’s Tablet” focused on the reading experience. It does more than a Kindle but less than an iPad - and it only costs half what an iPad would cost.

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It Gets Better

2010-10-13T18:04:00.002-04:00

Here are two short but moving videos in response to the recent gay youth suicides.

Tim Gunn (Project Runway) shares his experience of trying to commit suicide as a gay teenager:

England and Sale Sharks rugby player Ben Cohen expresses his feelings about young people being bullied due to their sexuality:

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My Last Conversation with Dad

2010-07-21T00:52:00.001-04:00

My father, Lloyd Grizzle, passed away on Monday, July 19, after suffering a massive stroke the day before. Dad was 68 years old.

Dad's medical odyssey began in July 2008, when two gallstones got lodged in his pancreas. This started a domino effect of medical problems over the last two years that included acute pancreatitis, kidney failure, respiratory failure, a series of hospital-acquired infections, and a cardiac emergency that left him with brain injury. He had been in and out of six different hospitals and had been in hospice care at a nursing home for the last several months.

Last week, on Tuesday, July 13, I had spent the day with him at the nursing home. I was sitting in the chair beside Dad’s bed, after lunch. We were watching TV together, and suddenly he started trying to ask me something. It was difficult to make out what he was asking, and at first I thought he was trying to say the word “itchy.” I asked if he felt itchy. Then it sounded like he was asking me if I was itchy. It finally dawned on me what he was asking: “Did you ever read Nietzsche?”

That was the last thing in the world I expected to hear from him. I told him yes, I had read Nietzsche. He got this wistful look in his eyes and said, “I never did.” Then he asked, “What do you think he meant when he said God is dead?”

For a moment I felt disoriented, almost dizzy. I’d had a text-conversation with my godson John about Nietzsche just a few nights before. I told Dad I didn’t think Nietzsche was talking literally because he was an atheist, so he didn’t believe in God, much less a God who could die. “I think he was talking about ideas and concepts of God that he found irrelevant or even harmful. In Nietzsche’s time that would be--”

I started to say Descartes, but Dad interrupted me and said “Luther?” I said, “Yeah, Luther and Calvin, and I think he railed against Descartes too.”

Then I asked if he had ever read Meister Eckhart. He said, “Online,” which I understood to mean he’d read a translation of Meister Eckhart on the Christian Classics Ethereal Library website, a few years ago when he was reading the Christian classics online. Dad had told me last year that he’d read The Cloud of Unknowing online, but it was an old translation that wasn’t easy to understand.

I quoted Meister Eckhart’s famous line, “I pray God to rid me of God.” Dad furrowed his brow like he was thinking that over. I told Dad I thought Meister Eckhart was talking about moving beyond our ideas and concepts of God and having a relationship with God himself. Dad nodded his head. His eyes were clear – he didn’t have that confused or disoriented look he so often had.

Then I asked, “Why were you thinking about Nietzsche? Does it feel like God is dead?” It took Dad a few seconds to answer, and I became aware during that time that I wasn’t breathing. Part of me was afraid of what he might answer. I took a deep breath, and Dad said: “No. Sometimes it feels like God is – absent.” I could tell Dad had chosen that last word carefully.

Then Dad went on to say, “But other times I know God is present.” He turned his head and looked me directly in the eye and said, “I think he’s waiting for me.”

I squeezed his hand firmly and said, with a certainty that came over me like a flood of grace, “He is. He IS waiting for you, and so is Roy [Dad's brother], and so is Papa Grizzle…”

And Dad smiled and said, “And your Papa Pence.” His grip on my hand loosened and he laid his head back on his pillow and closed his eyes. I had the feeling the conversation, which lasted for less than two minutes, had exhausted him. Each word he had spoken, it seemed, took an immense amount of effort from him.

He was asleep within a minute. Shortly after that, I left the nursing home and drove to Canton to take a DUI evaluation to an attorney. She wasn’t in her office, so I slid the report under her door. I was glad she wasn’t in, because my eyes were red and blotchy from crying.

When I got back to Dad’s room about an hour later, he was awake and had turned the TV from National Geographic to Family Feud. I started to tell him about the new book my friend Carl McColman had written about the Christian mystics, including Meister Eckhart – but I could quickly tell from Dad’s eyes that he didn’t know what I was talking about. I asked him if he remembered asking me about Nietzsche, and again his eyes had a confused look, like he didn’t even understand the question. He didn’t remember our conversation at all.

But I know that earlier that afternoon Dad had been clear-minded and thoughtful, and he had been certain that God was waiting for him to come home.

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Blowing on the Embers of the Heart

2010-03-07T13:17:00.001-05:00

This is a guided meditation I developed several years ago, when I was asked by an Episcopal church group to lead a workshop on healing prayer in the Sufi and Christian traditions. This meditation centers on a spiritual practice that is found in both traditions.

Over the years I've presented this meditation in quite a few different contexts, including several church groups and Sufi circles, a Gay Spirit Visions conference, a Mary Magdalene workshop co-led with my friend Nancy Daniell, and a class on the Gnostic Gospels co-facilitated with my friend Carl McColman. I shared this meditation most recently with the Group of Unknowing, a discussion group that is part of the Emergent Christian Cohort here in Cobb County, Georgia. I'm honored that this meditation has also been used by the Magdalene Circle led by Betty Conrad Adam, author of The Magdalene Mystique: Living the Spirituality of Mary Today (click on the title to read my review of this wonderful book).

Here is the guided meditation, “Blowing on the Embers of the Heart.” Be sure to allow space for silence between each short paragraph.

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I invite you to close your eyes and to be present to your breath, simply observing it.

[a brief silence]

Follow an in-breath all the way down, into your heart chakra – the domain of the heart.

As you continue to be present to your breath, allow yourself to open up to the boundless space in your heart.

Allow your breath to breathe into your heart center. The ancient Christian and Sufi mystics of the desert called this “blowing on the embers of the heart.”

Feel your heart center opening up, like a flower unfurling. Be present to whatever you experience in your heart center.

Experience the infinite nature of your heart: a vast, boundless void, what the Sufi mystic Ibn al-Arabi called “a sea without a distant shore.”

The Christian mystic Thomas Merton called this space “the center, the existential altar which simply is.” As Merton tells us, “Our inmost ‘I’ exists in God and God dwells in it.”

Allow yourself to feel the presence of the Divine Beloved. Allow yourself to open up to the infinite love, the infinite openness, the infinite healing presence in the domain of your heart.

As you prepare to open your eyes and return to our circle, allow your heart to remain open and boundless as we listen to each other share from our hearts.

The Sufi teacher Hazrat Inayat Khan said, “The heart kindled with love throws its light on all it sees.” May we allow that light from our hearts to illuminate us during this sacred time together.

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BookLog: The Book of the Shepherd

2010-02-25T09:19:00.003-05:00

The Book of the Shepherd is “the story of one simple prayer, and how it changed the world,” as the book’s subtitle tells us. It’s a charming tale, written in the form of an extended fable, about a shepherd who goes searching for a “new way” to replace the violent code of “an eye for an eye” that he finds in the harsh world around him. Along the way, the shepherd meets others, some of whom join him on his journey.

Each person we encounter has a tale of his or her own, so the short novel becomes a series of interwoven stories, each with its own bit of wisdom to impart. The author of the book, Joann Davis (who “discovered” the manuscript “By the Scribe”), acknowledges in her Afterword the sources for the stories’ insights, which range from Elaine Pagels’ The Gnostic Gospels to M. Scott Peck and even Charlotte’s Web.

The “prayer that changed the world” is the classic Prayer of St. Francis, which in this story becomes the hidden treasure found by the shepherd and his companions on a parchment scroll in a dark and perilous cave. The prayer has been shortened and bowdlerized, perhaps to suit the “spiritual but not religious” audience to whom this book is being marketed. “Lord” and “O Divine Master” have been deleted (perhaps too “patriarchal” or “religious”?), so the prayer is addressed to no one in particular. But most annoyingly, a line has been added at the end of the prayer: “For this is the Law of Substitution.” This added line has the effect of making a beautiful prayer that has inspired millions over the centuries sound like a PowerPoint presentation at a Deepak Chopra seminar.

This short novel does not rise to the level of excellence found in Master of the Jinn: A Sufi Novel by Irving Karchmar, which is (by far) the best book I’ve read in the “spiritual novel” genre. But The Book of the Shepherd also avoids the preachiness and wooden dialogue found in other “spiritual novels” like The Celestine Prophecy and The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. Apart from its tampering with the Prayer of St. Francis, The Book of the Shepherd is indeed “an inspiring and moving fable,” as the cover blurb from Paulo Coelho claims.

The Book of the Shepherd is available at Amazon.com as well as your local independent bookseller.
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To Be Blessed, and To Bless

2009-12-31T16:42:00.004-05:00

I came across this little poem by William Butler Yeats this week, while re-reading Iron John: A Book About Men, by Robert Bly:

My fiftieth year had come and gone.
I sat, a solitary man,
In a crowded London shop,
An open book and empty cup
On the marble table-top.

While on the shop and street I gazed
My body for a moment blazed,
And twenty minutes, more or less
It seemed, so great my happiness,
That I was blessed, and could bless.

I haven’t reached my 50th year yet (I’ll turn 48 in a couple of weeks), but this seems like a wonderful poem with which to end one year, 2009, and begin a new one. This has been a challenging year in many respects, but throughout everything, that sense of blessing – “That I was blessed, and could bless” – remains.

I was reminded of a conference I attended on St. Simon’s Island in 2007. Marcus Borg, one of my favorite biblical scholars, talked about a spiritual practice he had picked up from his fellow presenter, Barbara Brown Taylor. It’s a very simple practice. As you go through the day, silently bless every person you see: just say “Bless you,” silently to yourself, directed at one particular person at a time.

Sounds easy, almost simplistic, but I’ve found it to be a very moving and profound practice, the times I’ve remembered to practice it. The people at the coffeehouse and at your place of work, the people you see walking across the street, the people you see as you conduct your everyday business, even the crazy drivers in traffic – just offer each person a blessing in silence. “Bless you.”

Blessings to all of you as 2009 ends and a New Year begins.

Darrell {Grateful Bear}

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The Eternal Christ in the Cosmic Story

2009-12-20T10:54:00.001-05:00

Here's a wonderful interview with Fr. Richard Rohr that helps us see what the Incarnation (i.e., Christmas) is really all about.

The eternal christ in the cosmic story | National Catholic Reporter

From the interview: "Once we restore the idea that the Incarnation means God truly loves creation then we restore the sacred dimension to nature. We bring the plants and animals and all of nature in with us. They are windows into the endless creativity, fruitfulness and joy of God. We assert that we believe in the sweep of history, humanity and all of creation that Christ includes."

Dad: In Recovery from Surgery

2009-12-18T14:42:00.002-05:00

I'm very grateful to all my friends who are continuing to pray for my Dad. His surgery went very well yesterday (Dec. 17th), and he is now in the ICU for recovery. He will be in the hospital for 10 to 30 days, and he will still be in need of continuous care after that, either at home or at a rehab center. We'll be celebrating Christmas Day at a hospital for the 2nd year in a row, but our family will be together and it will still be a very merry holy-day.

Dad in Hospital for Surgery on Thursday 12/17

2009-12-15T06:53:00.000-05:00

My father, Lloyd Grizzle, was admitted to the hospital yesterday, this time for a planned surgery on Thursday, Dec. 17th. The surgery is to repair a large hernia on the surgical scar on his abdomen, and also to rebuild part of his abdominal wall (using cadaver muscle and tissue).

Dad's medical odyssey began in July 2008, when two gallstones got lodged in his pancreas. This started a domino effect of medical problems over the past year and a half, including acute pancreatitis, kidney failure, respiratory failure, a series of hospital-acquired infections, and a cardiac emergency last December that left him with brain injury. He has been in and out of six different hospitals and physical rehab centers, and he has been limited to a wheelchair and hospital bed at home, receiving home health care, when not in a hospital or rehab.

Dad's surgery on Thursday is extremely risky, but it's also very risky for him NOT to have the surgery. As always, I am grateful for the many friends, both online and off, who have continued to keep Dad and my family in their thoughts and prayers.

~ Darrell

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Update on Dad: Home Now, with Surgery in December

2009-11-07T16:37:00.001-05:00

Dad came home last week, after spending 30 days doing physical therapy at a rehab center in Woodstock, GA. The surgery he needs, to repair a large hernia on the scar on his abdomen (from his previous pancreas surgery) and to rebuild part of his abdominal wall, has been scheduled for December 17th. He will be entering Emory University Hospital on December 14th in preparation for the surgery. He will probably be in the hospital for about 2 weeks after the surgery.

Many thanks to all of you who continue to keep Dad and my family in your prayers.

Darrell
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The Big Book of Christian Mysticism

2009-10-14T07:08:00.002-04:00

The new book by my friend Carl McColman, The Big Book of Christian Mysticism, will not be released till August 2010, but you can go ahead and pre-order it now on Amazon. Visit Carl's webpage for the book for details.
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Dad in Hospital for Pre-Surgery Tests

2009-09-23T18:40:00.001-04:00

It has been quite a while since I've written about my Dad's health situation, because it has remained basically the same. Since coming home from the hospital in April (actually a series of 6 hospitals over a 10-month time period), Dad has been growing weaker, because he is no longer able to do physical therapy because of a large hernia on the surgical scar on his abdomen. He was admitted to Emory University Hospital last night for a week of tests to see if he is strong enough to have surgery to repair his abdomen. If he can have the surgery he needs, the hope is that he can begin physical therapy again and regain some of his strength.

Many thanks to all of my friends, online and in "real life," who are continuing to hold Dad and my family in your prayers.

bearhugs ~
Darrell
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Kato: Over the Rainbow Bridge

2009-08-13T22:07:00.003-04:00

My feline companion, Kato, passed away on Wednesday morning, August 12, 2009. He was 17 years old. He had been diagnosed on Saturday with chronic renal failure, a swollen spleen, and a urinary tract infection. He was having trouble with balance and walking because, according to the vet, his kidney failure was affecting his brain.

The decision to euthanize Kato was extremely difficult, but it was the truly merciful thing to do. Over the last four days of his life I had been giving him fluids from an IV drip bag subcutaneously. He would sit very quietly and patiently as I injected him and administered the fluids. The fluids were only keeping him alive each day; they were not healing his kidney condition, which would only worsen if he remained alive.

Kato was put to sleep at Cat Care Hospital in Marietta. My dear friend Cathy was present, and so was Michael, my ex-partner and still good friend. It was a very difficult and emotional time, but it was also a sacred time. I was very grateful for the presence of my friends as we let Kato go, and for the prayers and well-wishes of other friends I had shared with over the last four days.

On Tuesday, the day before, Kato continued to perform his ministry as a feline massage therapist. I wrote about this in 2003, in the article Ministers in Fur [click here to read it] for Whosoever.org. On Tuesday morning he noticed a wound on my leg where I had banged my shin while working out. He sniffed the wound, then stood up against it for a while, purring - even though he was having trouble standing or walking at that point.

On Wednesday morning, before taking him to the vet, I carried him in my arms and took him for one last walk through the woods behind my apartment. He did not try to get down from my arms - he knew he was having trouble walking - but he looked around intently at the trees and birds and butterflies. These are the woods where Kato spent many happy hours hunting and exploring. Only last week, he had brought me a mouse. I was working at the computer and did not notice the mouse in Kato's mouth when I let him back inside. When Kato started meowing proudly and I saw the mouse (still twitching) on the floor at his feet, I let out a surprised scream. Kato calmly leaned down and chomped the mouse one time so it stopped twitching, then looked up at me as if to say, "Is that better?" [Carl McColman says Kato brought me presents of mice, chipmunks, and birds (and once a garden snake), because he felt sorry for me and was trying to teach me how to hunt.]

Kato also sat in front of the TV for a while on Wednesday morning, purring as the jazz music channel played. As Michael and I took him to the vet, we played the CD of Kato's favorite song, "St. Thomas" by the Sonny Rollins Trio (1959). I've written before about Kato's love for classic jazz from the 1950's and 1960's. He especially loved extended drum solos (there's a great one in "St. Thomas"), including Mickey Hart solos in Grateful Dead songs. He also loved Trevor Harden's CD, "Parachute." Kato would not tolerate Bob Dylan, though - he would meow loudly at the speakers till I turned off Dylan's music.

I know it will take me a while to go through the grieving process. It feels strange coming home to an empty apartment. Kato was with me for over seven years. Kato was fully aware that he was winding down over the past four days, and he often sequestered himself in a corner (on his catnip scratcher) or under my bed. He always came out when I called him, though, and he was very affectionate to the very end, nuzzling my beard and purring as I held him in my lap.

I believe in the Communion of Saints that transcends death (and space and time), and I believe that communion includes our beloved animal companions. I can easily imagine Kato now nuzzling the beard of St. Francis, or sitting in the lap of St. Julian of Norwich - or enjoying a heavenly jam session with Sonny Rollins and John Coltrane. Kato lived a long and complete life, and I will always be grateful for the companionship, joy, and healing presence he brought into my life.

BookLog: The Cloud of Unknowing: A New Translation

2009-07-05T08:05:00.004-04:00

The Cloud of Unknowing is a 14th century Christian classic, the primary source-text for Centering Prayer and other forms of meditation and “prayer of the heart.” This beautiful new translation by Carmen Acevedo Butcher has a more devotional quality than most previous translations of The Cloud and its “sequel,” The Book of Privy Counsel. Butcher’s versions of these texts are easy to read, and she captures the passion, deep faith, and occasional humor of their anonymous author.

Butcher begins with an extended introduction to The Cloud, giving us the history of the book as well as what we do and do not know about its author. This introduction also gives us a summary of the theology and spirituality of the text, which, while solidly rooted in 14th century Christian faith, has been a deep inspiration to contemplatives of many other faith traditions throughout the last five centuries. The fact that this new translation is published by a Buddhist press shows that The Cloud transcends barriers of tradition and is a truly timeless classic.

One of the “hidden treasures” of Butcher’s translation is the Notes section at the end of the book, which give us a wealth of insight into the text. She occasionally quotes the Middle English to show us the wordplays and other aspects of the original text, and she also includes references to Scripture and other writings to illuminate various passages of The Cloud. It’s definitely worth the trouble to flip to the back of the book to read the endnotes.

I fell in love with The Cloud of Unknowing about 15 years ago through William Johnston’s classic translation, and now I’ve fallen in love with it again. I feel like I’ve been re-introduced to an old friend. Even if you’ve read The Cloud in other translations, I highly recommend reading it again in Butcher’s new and vibrant translation.

If you live in Metro Atlanta, please join us at The Group of Unknowing, a small group of interfaith friends (Christians, Sufis, and others) who are gathering to read through The Cloud together. For more information, visit the group’s Facebook page.

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Doctrines of Grace: BEERS, not TULIPs

2009-06-30T00:16:00.001-04:00

Whoever blogs at Kingdom Grace (I couldn't find the name of the author) is offering a great alternative to the Five Points of Calvinism, traditionally written as TULIP:

* Total Depravity
* Unconditional Election
* Limited Atonement
* Irresistible Grace
* Perseverance of the Saints

Kingdom Grace is offering BEERS:

* Broken Eikons
* Eternal Purpose
* Extravagant Atonement
* Response to Grace
* Shalom

I prefer Kingdom Grace's Doctrines. How 'bout you?

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“Word” by Madeleine L'Engle

2009-05-21T16:44:00.000-04:00

I, who live by words, am wordless when
I try my words in prayer. All language turns
To silence. Prayer will take my words and then
Reveal their emptiness. The stilled voice learns
To hold its peace, to listen with the heart
To silence that is joy, is adoration.
The self is shattered, all words torn apart
In this strange patterned time of contemplation
That, in time, breaks time, breaks words, breaks me,
And then, in silence, leaves me healed and mended.
I leave, returned to language, for I see
Through words, even when all words are ended.

I, who live by words, am wordless when
I turn me to the Word to pray. Amen.

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by Madeleine L'Engle
quoted in Praying Our Days: A Guide and Companion
by Bishop Frank T. Griswold

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“Night of Hope”

2009-05-17T01:08:00.002-04:00

Becky Garrison has written a great review of the Joel Osteen “Night of Hope” concert in New York City. Her review is at the “God's Politics” blog at Sojourners.

I have mixed feelings about Joel Osteen. His book “Your Best Life Now” was one of two motivational books that gave me the confidence to go into full-time, self-employed private practice a few years ago. (The other book, which actually had more practical advice, was “The Success Principles” by Jack Canfield.) I really don't have a problem with Joel Osteen as a motivational speaker or writer - he is actually more balanced and realistic than many of the motivational speakers out there. For example, I'll choose Osteen over most of the teachers featured in “The Secret” any day. (And yes, I know Jack Canfield was one of those teachers.)

So while I might occasionally listen to Joel Osteen's podcasts (as motivational speeches, not for theology or for spiritual guidance), I just can't bring myself to watch him on television. He is shown on TV standing in a huge stadium that calls itself a church - but there are no crosses, no symbols of the Christian faith. There is, however, a ridiculously large American flag, which the camera shows from time to time as it pans the well-dressed, mostly-white, affluent audience. Gigantic flag; no cross: it's clear what's really being worshipped in this “church.”

Addendum: Check out my friend Carl McColman's excellent (and thoroughly biblical) reflections on “abundant living” at his Website of Unknowing.

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Emergent in the ’Burbs

2009-05-15T06:51:00.002-04:00

Matt Scott has written a great blogpost about this past Tuesday’s meeting of Cobb Gathering: An Emergent Cohort, the new Emergent Christian group that formed three months ago. We meet on the second Tuesday of each month, at Johnnie MacCracken’s Celtic Pub, on Marietta Square.

Unlike Emergent groups I’ve attended in downtown Atlanta (which tend to be almost 100% liberal or “progressive”), the Cobb group – being rooted in suburban Cobb County, north of Atlanta – is truly diverse, encompassing people on many different points on the theological and political spectrums. Interestingly enough, one of our Cobb folks who is frequently on the “conservative” end of our conversations is viewed as a “liberal” by many of his friends.

We want to provide a “suspended space” (beyond labels of “liberal” or “conservative”) where we can wrestle, reflect, and ask honest questions. When we disagree with each other, we are able to do so respectfully – which I greatly appreciate, since I’m often on the “heretical” end of the spectrum. What brings us together is a desire for conversation and to create a safe place to explore what it means to be a follower of Jesus in a postmodern world.

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Celtic Mass at St. Paul’s

2009-05-02T10:25:00.003-04:00

My friend Donnie and I went to Tybee Island and Savannah for a mini-vacation last weekend. We only stayed three nights, but we were able to devote one day (Sunday) to Savannah, with its coffeehouses and beautiful historic squares, and the next day to Tybee Island and the beach. The waves were too choppy to float peacefully in the ocean, but I had fun bobbing up and down in the waves. And of course we had lots of great seafood! Highlights: the blackened “tuna bites” appetizer and crab cakes (the world’s best!) at Café Loco, and the panko-encrusted mahi mahi at The Breakfast Club. On Tuesday, before heading back to Atlanta, we met with my favorite living artist, Brian MacGregor, and I purchased a beautiful painting of his called “Key of the Soul” – I’ll post more about that soon. We also had lunch at Kevin Barry’s Irish Pub on River Street with our friends Tommy and Trevor, two of the creative forces behind RockOm, a wonderful webzine devoted to music and spirituality.

One of the highlights of the weekend was attending the Celtic Mass at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church in Savannah on Sunday night. This was a deeply moving worship service that was both contemporary and ancient, grounded in Celtic and Anglican tradition. There were moments of silence throughout the service, which added to the contemplative nature of the Mass.

One thing that was new to me was Tírechán’s Creed, which we said together in place of the Nicene Creed:

Our God is the God of all humans,
the God of heaven and earth,
the God of the sea and the rivers,
the God of the sun and the moon,
the God of all the heavenly bodies,
the God of the lofty mountains,
the God of the lowly valleys.

God is above the heavens,
and he is beneath the heavens.
Heaven and earth and sea,
and everything that is in them,
such he has as his abode.

He inspires all things,
he gives life to all things,
he stands above all things,
and he stands beneath all things.
He enlightens the light of the sun,
he strengthens the light of the night and the stars,
he makes wells in the arid land and dry islands in the sea,
and he places the stars in the service of the greater lights.

He has a Son, Jesus, who is co-eternal with himself,
and similar in all respects to himself;
and neither is the Son younger than the Father,
nor is the Father older than the Son;
and the Holy Spirit breathes in them.
And the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit are inseparable.
Amen.

I don’t know the history of this Creed, other than that it dates back to Tírechán, a 7th century Irish bishop and biographer of Saint Patrick. If anyone knows more about its history, please post it here as a comment. Perhaps this creed resonated so deeply within me because of my Celtic roots (I’m a Scottish and Irish mix, with a wee bit of Cherokee). As a lover of Creation Spirituality, I appreciate this creed’s emphasis on God’s creation as well as the everywhereness of God.

This is from the Celtic Mass’s Offering of the Bread and Wine:

Celebrant:
Thank you, O Lord God Almighty,
Thank you for the earth and the waters.
Thank you for the sky, the air, the sun:
Thank you for all living creatures.

All:
Come, O Lord, in the bread of life.

Celebrant:
Praise be to you, our Father and Mother, for our homes, and families, our friends, and loved ones. Praise be to you for all the people around us everywhere in this wounded world.

All:
Come, O Lord, in the cup of healing.

St. Paul’s is a beautiful church, a lovely Anglo-Catholic parish with lots of icons, candles, and statues of Mary. This Celtic Mass seemed to make it an even more beautiful and sacred space.

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Update on Dad: Home from the Hospital at Last

2009-04-15T15:12:00.009-04:00

My Dad, Lloyd Grizzle, came home from the hospital on Easter Sunday. He has been in six different hospitals and one rehab center since his medical odyssey began last July, and he has only been home for one short week during all that time. He was incredibly happy to be home at last! His little dog Muffy Joy (shown below) was happy to see him too.

The pictures below were taken in the sunroom of my parents' home in Jasper, Georgia, overlooking the North Georgia mountains.

The view from my parents' sunroom (through the screen)

Grateful Bear with Papa Bear

Springtime beauty in my parents' backyard

Dad is still not able to walk, and he will have regular visits each week from his home health care nurse and physical therapist. Please continue to keep him in your prayers, as well as my Mother, who is now his full-time caregiver.

Darrell
Grateful Bear
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Update on Dad: Back in the Hospital Again

2009-03-31T11:37:00.001-04:00

My Dad, Lloyd Grizzle, was re-admitted to the hospital late last night, with another infection and suffering from gastric distress. Since last July my Dad has been in six different hospitals, and this is his fourth admission to this particular hospital. His medical odyssey started with acute pancreatitis (two gallstones got lodged in his pancreas), which led to a domino effect that included lung failure, kidney failure, and other problems. The most significant injuries were from an episode a few months ago when his heartbeat and breathing stopped and it took medical personnel six minutes to revive him.

I haven't written much about Dad's condition in recent months, because there haven't been any major changes to report. He has continued to have good days and bad days, but overall he has been making steady progress at the inpatient rehabilitation center. He is still not able to walk, but he had gotten to the point where he could get in and out of his wheelchair with only minimal assistance.

Please keep my Dad in your prayers, as well as my Mother and the rest of my family. I deeply appreciate all the messages of support from my wonderful blog-friends, Facebook friends, and others. Knowing that you are keeping my Dad in your thoughts and prayers makes this difficult time a lot easier.

With a truly grateful heart,
Darrell
Grateful Bear

Atonement & Emergents

2009-02-07T13:31:00.006-05:00

My friend Mike Morrell is posting some very well-written and thought-provoking reflections on atonement theology at his zoecarnate blog:

February 6, 2009:
Re-Visioning Jesus’ Atonement: Beyond Liberal and Conservative

February 7, 2009:
Re-Visioning Jesus’ Atonement: Possible Reconstructions

As Mike puts it, “it’s exceedingly difficult to take Jesus’ teachings on nonviolence and peacemaking seriously while also taking seriously a punitive model of Jesus’ atoning death.” In revisioning the atonement, Mike is attempting to overcome this difficulty while still remaining true to the historic Christian faith.

Actually, that last sentence is a pretty good summary of what I love about Mike and others in the Emergent Christian conversation: “In revisioning or deconstructing [insert doctrine or tradition], the Emergents are attempting to overcome [insert difficulty or contradiction] while still remaining true to the historic Christian faith.”

My own view of Jesus’ atonement is the one taught by Peter Abelard (1079-1142). I have quoted Abelard on this blog before, back in 2005, but I believe these quotes are worth repeating.
Abelard writes of Jesus’ death as a supreme act of love and self-sacrifice, drawing us to God through love, not fear: we are

“reconciled to God, because by the life and death of His Son He has so bound us to Himself that love so kindled will shrink from nothing for His sake. Our redemption is that supreme devotion kindled in us by the Passion of Christ: this it is that frees us from the slavery of sin and gives us the liberty of the sons of God, so that we do His will from love and not from fear. This is that fire which Our Lord said He had come to kindle upon earth.”

The incarnation, the life and death of Jesus illustrates God’s love for humanity and moves us to love of God. This love is what saves us.

“The purpose and cause of the incarnation was that Christ might illuminate the world by his wisdom, and excite it to love of himself.”

“Our redemption through the suffering of Christ is that deeper love within us which not only frees us from slavery to sin, but also secures for us the true liberty of the children of God, in order that we might do all things out of love rather than out of fear. . .”

Obviously, this view of the atonement is at odds with the prevailing views that describe Jesus’ death as appeasing an angry God, or as somehow satisfying “the demands of a righteous God,” or as a ransom to Satan. Indeed, Abelard was declared a heretic in his own day (most of my theological heroes were!) and his books were ordered burned. Thankfully, a few copies of his works escaped the flames.

Abelard’s view is often called the Moral Example theory of the atonement, and it is sometimes caricatured as minimalizing Jesus’ death as “only an example.” To me, though, Abelard’s view elevates Jesus’ sacrifice as the “suffering servant” archetype of Isaiah 53 and affirms a relationship with God based not on fear but on love.

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In the News: 25 Random Things

2009-02-07T11:49:00.001-05:00

Not only am I getting repeatedly tagged in the 25 Random Things meme (which is only fair, since I tagged 25 people when I wrote my own list), I'm now starting to see news stories about 25 Random Things. It looks like those of us who have succumbed to this online diversion are now part of a bona fide sociological phenomenon. Or maybe it's just a slow news week.

Google "Facebook 25 Random Things" and click on News, and you'll get 159 news stories, as of this writing. Here are just a few:

MSNBC/Washington Post: 25 things about ... Facebook fads

Salon: The random beauty of "25 Random Things"

New York Times: 25 Random Tips for the Busy Facebook User

Feel free to post any others you come across. No reason the news reporting about a meme can't become a meme itself. How very postmodern.

Remembering John Updike

2009-02-03T16:33:00.002-05:00

One of our greatest novelists, John Updike, passed away last week at the age of 76. I have read and enjoyed many of his novels, and I'm glad to have a signed, leather-bound edition of his novel The Witches of Eastwick in my collection of limited editions.

From Christianity Today: Updike was a deeply theological novelist.

Here's a remembrance from The New Yorker, the magazine for which Updike wrote for many years.

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Update on Dad: Rehab Center

2009-01-28T14:29:00.001-05:00

Many thanks to those of you continuing to ask about my Dad, Lloyd Grizzle. He was moved last Thursday from the hospital to a residential rehabilitation center. He is getting physical therapy and occupational therapy on a daily basis, with the eventual goal of being able to go home again. He is still not able to walk but can stand for short periods of time, which is a great development after being bedridden since his medical problems started last July.

I am grateful for all of my friends, blogfriends, and Facebook friends who continue to keep Dad in your prayers. I deeply appreciate your prayers and support.

Darrell
Grateful Bear

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25 Random Things

2009-01-26T11:25:00.002-05:00

OK, I’ve been tagged by several friends with this Facebook meme, so here goes. I’m posting it here for those of you who are not on Facebook:

25 Random Things About Darrell:

1. I’m a bit of a coffee snob, unable to drink inferior coffee. I’m lucky because there’s a wonderful coffeehouse, Cool Beans on Marietta Square (within walking distance of my office), that sells my favorite coffee by the pound: organic fair-trade Sumatra coffee, fresh-roasted on their own roaster. That’s what I usually buy for morning consumption at home. The baristas at Cool Beans know me by name, and they know I like a double-shot of espresso in a big cup of their coffee of the day.

2. To a large extent I have built my whole career as a counselor on a fictional character: Dr. Berger, the therapist played by Judd Hirsch in the movie Ordinary People.

3. My favorite living artist is Brian MacGregor, who incorporates dreamwork into his art.

4. I’m still mourning the loss of my favorite restaurant, Three Bears Cafe on Marietta Square, which closed in December.

5. My favorite restaurants, now that Three Bears Cafe has closed, are The Vortex in Little 5 Points and The Flying Biscuit (the original one, in Candler Park).

6. When I was a little boy I wanted to be Perry Mason, and I wanted to have my law office on Marietta Square. I did not become a lawyer, but I do have my office on Marietta Square and I do work in the court system. (I’ve been told by two different attorneys that I am “an imposing presence” in the courtroom – I’m not sure I believe them!)

7. I collect Perry Mason and Frasier on DVD. I have all 11 seasons of Frasier, and I’m collecting Perry Mason as each season is released (currently up to Season 3). I’ve read about 40 of the 82 Perry Mason novels by Erle Stanley Gardner.

8. If I had to live anywhere other than Marietta, I'd live in Savannah or Asheville.

9. I love trail-walking on Civil War battlefields, and sometimes I’ll have a sandwich for lunch at the Confederate Cemetery near Marietta Square.

10. I’m fascinated by the life of Leonidas Polk (1806-1864), an Episcopal bishop who was also a Confederate General. He fought in the battle of Picketts Mill, one of the battlefields where I love to go trail-walking.

11. I get most of my news from the two NPR stations in Atlanta, WABE (Classical) and WCLK (Jazz and Gospel).

12. I spend way too much money on books: not just regular books but antiquarian books and limited editions from the Easton Press, the Folio Society, and other specialty presses. If you’d like to see my collection, stop by my office sometime. Call me first, to make sure I’m not with a client.

13. I have “action figures” of Oscar Wilde, Edgar Allen Poe, and William Shakespeare.

14. The oldest book I own is a 1783 edition of Poems Upon Several Occasions, by one of the “Graveyard Poets,” Thomas Parnell, published by Alexander Pope.

15. I once defended myself and disarmed a mugger in Washington DC who was trying to take my wallet at knifepoint. When he came at me with the knife I broke his thumb, causing him to scream, drop his knife, and run away.

16. I love the compilation CD’s Starbucks sells (especially the jazz and indie-rock CD’s), although my commitment to independent coffeehouses dictates that I only go to a Starbucks when there is no locally-owned coffeehouse nearby.

17. I will sometimes read “cozy” mystery novels with my cat, but this does NOT mean (as my roommate sometimes claims) that I am turning into a cat lady.

18. I also love reading Hard Case Crime novels. I plan to write a Hard Case-style novel someday, loosely based on my experiences as a Probation Officer and Parole Officer. Working title: First Offender.

19. I love Turner Classic Movies, especially film noir and old Barbara Stanwyck movies.

20. I am ready for the new season of Holly Hunter’s TV show, Saving Grace, and the new season of True Blood.

21. I recently bought a leather-bound edition of my “desert island book” – the Book of Common Prayer and the NRSV Bible, together in one volume. My cat Kato appreciates that the deutero-canonical books are included, but he wishes some of the Gnostic gospels had been included, especially the Gospels of Thomas and Mary Magdalene.

22. My favorite holy days are Ash Wednesday (the most existentialist of holy days) and Easter Sunday.

23. I identify with much of the Emergent Christian movement, and I claim the label “Anglimergent” (although no one can really define what “Emergent” means), but I think I’m too much of an existentialist to truly be postmodern.

24. I sometimes think seriously about memorizing a book the way the rebels did in Fahrenheit 451. If I do, the book I memorize will be the same one Guy Montag memorized in the novel (but not the 1966 movie): the Book of Ecclesiastes.

25. I would love to learn Hebrew so I could read (and maybe memorize) Ecclesiastes in its original language.

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More About Rick Warren’s Inaugural Prayer

2009-01-24T08:12:00.005-05:00

Surfing the blogosphere in this week following Obama’s inauguration, I’ve been intrigued by the passionately emotional responses to the inaugural prayer offered by the Rev. Rick Warren. It’s amazing how different people can hear the same prayer and have such drastically different responses to it.

I’ve never been a fan of Rick Warren. I haven’t read his books, I’ve never heard him preach, and I strongly disliked his recent comments against gay marriage. But I found myself deeply moved by his prayer as I watched it on TV on Tuesday. I thought it was very beautiful and very inspiring. It moved me to the point of tears, and those tears kept flowing through Aretha Franklin’s song and into the swearing-in itself.

My friend Candace Chellew-Hodge (whose new book Bulletproof Faith I highly recommend) found Rick Warren’s prayer too “aggressively Christian.” I respectfully disagree. To me, being “aggressively Christian” means imposing one’s beliefs on others. Praying a Christian prayer at the invitation of a Christian president-elect is not, in my mind, an aggressive act. If Rick Warren had prayed in the name of Jesus “our only Savior” or “the only name whereby we must be saved” (Acts 4:12), then yes, that would have been exclusionary and offensive to some non-Christians. But he didn’t. Rick Warren prayed in the name of Jesus, but only after emphasizing that Jesus is, in his words, “the one who changed my life” – making it personal, not imposing his belief in Jesus on others.

And when Rick Warren prayed the name of Jesus in four different languages, Hebrew, Arabic, Spanish, and English, I saw that as being inclusive – emphasizing that many others have also had life-changing experiences with Jesus, in differing languages and cultures. The Wall Street Journal wrote that Rick Warren “gave his words a multi-faith hue by invoking the Christian figure as he is referred to in other faiths.” Doing so shows that Warren “is appreciative of, or at least courteous to, people who don’t share his particular faith,” said William Martin, senior fellow at the Baker Institute at Rice University. “He is trying to be as inclusive as he can be.”

I’ve read more than a few comments on the internet this week from Jews, Buddhists, Neo-Pagans, and other non-Christians who have written positive reactions to Rick Warren’s prayer. The majority of comments I’ve seen against Warren’s prayer have been from Christians: liberal Christians who thought the prayer was offensive to non-Christians, and evangelical Christians upset that Warren used the Arabic name of Jesus, Isa. This week I’ve seen a lot of evangelical bloggers identify Isa as “the false god of Islam.” When conservatives talk about “false gods” it makes me wonder how many gods they think exist. Who knew evangelical Christianity could be so polytheistic?

And when liberal Christians get upset when a Christian minister prays a Christian prayer, it makes me wonder if they’re truly comfortable with their faith. Within the gay community there is a phenomenon called “internalized homophobia” – when a GLBT person has not fully reached a point of self-acceptance and continues to internalize our culture’s homophobia. Maybe there’s a similar phenomenon among liberal Christians who feel some sense of embarrassment or discomfort about their faith: “internalized Christophobia,” perhaps? I do NOT think this is the case with my friend Candace, but I’ve read others in the blogosphere this week that make me wonder.

As my friend Jon Zuck so wonderfully put it, “It’s time for ‘liberals’ to actually be liberal in the fullness of that word, open-handed, open-minded, tolerant, generous, forgiving.” To that, and to Rick Warren’s beautiful and inspiring inaugural prayer, I say Amen.

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Lost Gospels: “Secret Mark”

2009-01-23T08:43:00.004-05:00

The Nation magazine has an interesting article this week about “secret” passages allegedly deleted from the canonical Gospel of Mark. We may never know for sure if these passages were authentic or an elaborate hoax. My fellow theology geeks will enjoy the article, Gospel Secrets: The Biblical Controversies of Morton Smith, by Anthony Grafton.
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Change: Part 1

2009-01-21T06:24:00.000-05:00

For the first time ever, the official White House website includes a section titled "Support for the LGBT Community." Check it out, on the Civil Rights page of whitehouse.gov.
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Rick Warren's Inaugural Prayer

2009-01-20T14:24:00.001-05:00

AMEN to Rick Warren's beautiful and moving prayer.
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Bishop Robinson's Prayer

2009-01-20T07:53:00.000-05:00

Here is the full text of Bishop Gene Robinson's prayer for Barack Obama, a prayer that was excluded from the HBO broadcast of the pre-inaugural concert but will reportedly be re-aired today as part of the Inauguration Day events.
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Connections @ LinkedIn

2009-01-17T10:37:00.002-05:00

I just joined the professional networking site LinkedIn, at the invitation of an attorney friend who has been gracious enough to refer clients to me for court-ordered evaluations and counseling. Here's my profile.

If any of my Blog of the Grateful Bear friends are also on LinkedIn, please feel free to send me a "Connection" invitation!

Dad in Hospital (Again)

2009-01-15T10:10:00.001-05:00

My father, Lloyd Grizzle, was re-admitted to Kennestone Hospital on Tuesday evening, January 13th. He had been home for exactly one week, being cared for by my mother and receiving regular visits from home health care workers. We took Dad to the doctor's office on Tuesday morning, and he was sent back home with new prescriptions for his flu-like symptoms. When those symptoms persisted into the evening, the doctor told Mother to call an ambulance and have Dad taken to the hospital.

We're not sure how long Dad will be in the hospital this time. I updated my Facebook status bar as I was waiting in the emergency waiting room and already had several responses before I got home that night, from friends and cyberfriends who are praying for Dad and wishing him well. I deeply appreciate everyone who continues to hold my Dad and my family in their prayers.

Darrell
Grateful Bear
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Sun Cat

2009-01-08T10:38:00.001-05:00

Kato in his rocking chair, enjoying the sunshine on a January afternoon
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Advent: The Irrational Season

2008-12-22T06:21:00.002-05:00

This is the irrational season
When love blooms bright and wild.
Had Mary been filled with reason,
There'd have been no room for the child.

~ Madeleine L'Engle

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Advent: Returning

2008-12-20T18:03:00.002-05:00

The season of Advent – the time of waiting for Light in the midst of darkness – is an appropriate time to address the “dark night of the soul” I’ve been experiencing over the past six months. I’m feeling very deeply drawn to return to the Episcopal Church, my spiritual home from 1993 through 2007. I'm feeling a need for the stability and familiarity of the Liturgy, and the deep connection with ancient traditions that the Anglican Communion provides.

I’m joining the Episcopal Cathedral of St. Philip in Atlanta. St. Philip’s offers a wealth of resources to explore the contemplative aspects of the Christian tradition: centering prayer and lectio divina, the labyrinth, Taize services, morning and evening prayer, and more. I feel a need to sink my roots down deeply in these ancient traditions and practices. I am also drawn to the beauty of the Cathedral itself, as well as the beauty of the prayer-book Liturgy and especially the Eucharist. St. Philip’s has stated as one of its goals for 2009: Providing Solace in Times of Anxiety.

When he was here in Atlanta last month, theologian Peter Rollins said (to a crowd of 60 “Emergents” packed into the back room of Tilt Coffee Shop): “God is not the patch we put on the wound of our unknowing. God is the wound.” I am returning to the Episcopal tradition looking for a deeper connection with that Wound, and a deeper relationship with Jesus the Healer.

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Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T22:54:00.002-05:00

I was truly grateful to have a Thanksgiving dinner-to-go with my family in my Dad's hospital room today. Dad continues to improve - he no longer has any tubes or machines hooked up to him, and although he continues to experience some discomfort he is well on his way to being “his old self” again. In the coming week, he will probably be moved to a physical therapy unit for a couple of weeks, then he should be able to go home. Many thanks for everyone who continues to hold my Dad and my family in their prayers.

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Cube

2008-11-26T11:38:00.000-05:00

In the dream I was given a sheet of construction paper and a pair of scissors and I was told to construct a theology in the form of a Rubik's Cube.

Catalyzed Against Dylan

2008-11-19T18:08:00.004-05:00

I've written before about how my feline roommate Kato will not allow me to listen to music by Bob Dylan. Kato prefers jazz from the 1950's (perhaps from one of his previous nine lives as a "hep cat"), although he did express interest once in a long Grateful Dead track - but I think it was mainly the Mickey Hart drum solo he was grokking.

When I play Bob Dylan, Kato starts caterwauling until I turn it off and put on some John Coltrane, Miles Davis, or Sonny Rollins. So I am forced to listen to my Bob Dylan CD's in my car or at my office. This is one of the sacrifices I make to have a roommate who doesn't even pay his fair share of the rent. The leasing office does not accept dead chipmunks as payment.

I just found out yesterday that one of my closest friends has also started to experience this problem: His cat Snuggles will not allow him to listen to Dylan's Blood on the Tracks CD. Like Kato, Snuggles begins caterwauling until my friend turns off the offending CD. (Kato, by the way, being a Russian Blue of the highest cat nobility, would never tolerate a name like "Snuggles.")

I'm wondering if there is something going on in the morphic field of cats, "a disturbance in the Force" of felines. Maybe this anti-Dylan behavior is limited to cats in Cobb County, Georgia. Or maybe the cats have never forgiven Dylan for going electric in 1965.

If you are blessed to have a cat who allows you to serve him or her, please try this experiment: Play some Bob Dylan and see how the cat reacts. Report back to me. There may be an article in this for a scholarly journal. But it will have to wait; I have to go now. Kato needs some tuna.

"In the name of St. Julian of Norwich, you must obey me."

Update on Dad: The Peaceful House

2008-11-14T12:47:00.000-05:00

My father, Lloyd Grizzle, is still in the Long Term Acute Care Unit at Windy Hill Hospital in Marietta, GA. He continues to have good days when his memory seems to be returning, as well as bad days when he is disoriented and agitated. When I spent Wednesday afternoon with him (the day before yesterday), he knew who I was, and he also remembered reading the Wendell Berry novel I got him last Christmas.

But the day before that, he was asking Mother why my brothers and I had not been to see him – he did not remember any of the times we’ve spent with him during his hospitalization over the past 4 months.

Now, as of yesterday, just as he was getting over the MRSA virus, Dad has yet another hospital-acquired virus, “C. Diff” (Clostridium difficile), and today he is nauseous and disoriented. This morning when the neurologist asked him where he was, Dad didn’t know. He also told the doctor he has six children, when in fact he has three.

On Wednesday, Dad told me about a dream he’d had a few weeks ago while in the hospital, a dream of going to “a beautiful, peaceful house” and visiting with six people there, all of them dead: both of his parents, and his brother and sister who have died. He kept emphasizing how peaceful it was. He could not remember who the other two people were. He said he was the only one there who was still alive. He also said he was told that he couldn’t stay, that he had to go back. He was not able to see the person who was sending him back.

I don’t know if that was a dream, or if it was something that actually happened to Dad during the time several weeks ago when his heartbeat and breathing stopped for over a minute.

Yesterday when I was at the Cathedral Bookstore, I came across a prayer card with this quote from the French poet Paul Claudell (1868-1955): “Jesus did not come to explain away suffering or to remove it. He came to fill it with his presence.”

I find that quote a real source of strength. I also find strength and encouragement in my Dad's experience of the Peaceful House and in the fact that, for whatever reason, Dad was either sent back to us or, on some deep level, made the decision to return.

I deeply appreciate your continued prayers for my Dad and for my family. It’s truly a blessing to know that so many people, some of whom I only know on-line, are holding my Dad in their prayers and in their hearts.

Darrell
Grateful Bear
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How to be a Poet

2008-11-09T08:42:00.002-05:00

by Wendell Berry

(to remind myself)

Make a place to sit down.
Sit down. Be quiet.
You must depend upon
affection, reading, knowledge,
skill—more of each
than you have—inspiration,
work, growing older, patience,
for patience joins time
to eternity. Any readers
who like your work,
doubt their judgment.

Breathe with unconditional breath
the unconditioned air.
Shun electric wire.
Communicate slowly. Live
a three-dimensioned life;
stay away from screens.
Stay away from anything
that obscures the place it is in.
There are no unsacred places;
there are only sacred places
and desecrated places.

Accept what comes from silence.
Make the best you can of it.
Of the little words that come
out of the silence, like prayers
prayed back to the one who prays,
make a poem that does not disturb
the silence from which it came.

---

"How to be a Poet" by Wendell Berry
from Given: Poems.
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Thanks Be To God

2008-11-05T01:03:00.003-05:00

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference.

It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

We are, and always will be, the United States of America.

~ from Barack Obama's victory speech, November 5, 2008

Lectio Divina for Election Day

2008-11-03T17:54:00.004-05:00

He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?

~ Micah 6:8, ESV

Is this not the fast that I have chosen:
To loose the bonds of wickedness,
To undo the heavy burdens,
To let the oppressed go free,
And that you break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry,
And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out;
When you see the naked, that you cover him,
And not hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then your light shall break forth like the morning,
Your healing shall spring forth speedily,
And your righteousness shall go before you;
The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’

If you take away the yoke from your midst,
The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
If you extend your soul to the hungry
And satisfy the afflicted soul,
Then your light shall dawn in the darkness,
And your darkness shall be as the noonday.
The LORD will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
Those from among you
Shall build the old waste places;
You shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
And you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach,
The Restorer of Streets to Dwell In.

~ Isaiah 58:6-12, NKJV

But let justice roll down like waters,
and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

~ Amos 5:24, ESV

Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.

~ Matthew 5:9, NRSV

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Zehnder: Emergent Worship Music

2008-11-01T19:39:00.004-04:00

When my friend Mike Morrell posted a blog entry about Worship for an Emerging Church, I was a bit skeptical. Having been a member of an evangelical megachurch in the past (1978 to 1994), I’ve had my fill of “worship songs” that are mindlessly repetitive, shallow, or theologically offensive. And most of today’s worship music just sounds the same to me – it’s not something I’d choose to listen to (except for the David Crowder Band and some, but not all, of the artists in the Passion series).

But I got the CD Mike was blogging about – Going Up?, by Zehnder – and I was very pleasantly surprised. Twins Tom and Tim Zehnder compose, arrange, perform and record as an indie worship band based in Los Angeles. Tim plays bass and doumbek, Tom plays guitar and djembe, and together they blend their voices in a way that sometimes sounds like a male version of The Indigo Girls (and if you know me at all, you know that’s high praise). Most of the songs here are reminiscent of the better “alt.pop” artists like Sufjan Stevens or Ben Lee. The music jumps around from genre to genre – a powerful urban rap called “Justice Jam” is followed by a cello solo – but these guys are so talented, it works, producing an album with a multicultural vibe.

Zehnder’s song “I Believe” (based on Mark 9:24, “I believe; help my unbelief”) was so moving, and so honest, it brought a tear to my eye. The twins do a hauntingly beautiful version of the Appalachian hymn “What Wondrous Love Is This.” My favorite song on the album, though, is “Breathe In, Breathe Out,” which (like the best of the Emergent Christian movement) pays homage to the ancient while still being postmodern:

Shalom, salaam, namaste
Ancient the paths, we find a new way
To be one in spirit, mind and body this day

You can find out more info about Going Up?, and download a song from the album, at ztheband.com

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Election Prayer

2008-10-29T10:16:00.003-04:00

~ from The Society of Saint John the Evangelist

The Tides of Faith

2008-10-26T12:02:00.003-04:00

Faith is a gift, but the will has a great deal to do with it. The loss of it is basically a failure of appetite, assisted by a sterile intellect. Some people when they lose faith in christ, substitute a swollen faith in themselves. ...Let me tell you this: faith comes and goes. It rises and falls like the tides of an invisible ocean. If it is presumptuous to think that faith will stay with you forever, it is just as presumptuous to think that unbelief will. ...If you find in yourself the least return of a desire for faith... go back to the Church with a light heart and without the conscience-raking to which you are probably subject. Sublety is the curse of man. It is not found in the deity.

~ Flannery O'Connor, in The Habit of Being

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Update on Dad's Surgery

2008-10-23T11:21:00.002-04:00

My father, Lloyd Grizzle, had another surgery this morning. This one was to clean out a bed sore that had become severely infected. The doctor said the surgery went well, and Dad is recovering now.

Dad has been in one hospital or another since July. He is currently at Windy Hill Hospital in Marietta, GA. My mother is now looking into nursing homes, where hopefully Dad will be able to get the ongoing care he needs and continue with physical therapy.

Dad continues to experience moments of disorientation, agitation, and fear. Several times he has asked Mother if he has been captured by enemies, or if he is in jail.

But there have been some hopeful signs that Dad's "old self" is beginning to emerge. Yesterday while CNN was on the TV in his hospital room, Dad was able to read what was on the screen about the crisis on Wall Street, and he asked Mother about their 401-K. I'm hoping and praying that these moments of lucidity, when Dad is oriented and fully in the present moment, will increase.

I want to thank all of you who have sent me messages, emails, and phone calls. I am truly grateful for your continued prayers and kindness.

~ Grateful Bear

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BookLog: Where’s Your Jesus Now?

2008-10-19T12:02:00.005-04:00

I first came across this book, Where’s Your Jesus Now? by Karen Spears Zacharias, several weeks ago when it appeared as a recommendation for me (based on my past purchases) at Amazon.com. The title hit me like a kick in the gut, for two reasons. First and foremost is the situation with my Dad, who is still in the hospital, facing one medical problem after another. His brain damage seems to be progressing: at my last visit he did not recognize me, and my Mother is unsure if he recognizes her as his wife or simply as the person who stays by his bed every day. I have felt the healing presence of Jesus in my life on so many occasions in the past, I can’t help but wonder where the hell he is now.

The second reason is because I still remember vividly being asked that question 20 years ago, when I was a probation officer. A fellow officer’s husband, a DEA agent, had been shot during the arrest of a big-time drug dealer. As he lay in a coma on a hospital bed, his wife looked at me with tears in her eyes and said those words to me: “Where’s your Jesus now?” She wasn’t angry; she wasn’t accusing. She was pleading.

At that time in my life I was a deeply-closeted evangelical and, steeped in the apologetics of Francis Schaeffer and C. S. Lewis, I thought I had all the answers. But even at that time, full as I was of “certainosity,” I knew the only response I could offer my friend and colleague was to embrace her, silently, as she wept into my shoulder. Her husband died a few hours later.

In her book Where’s Your Jesus Now?, Karen Spears Zacharias devotes a whole chapter to “The Religion of Certainosity” – the religion of having of all the answers, of never questioning one’s assumptions, of seeing the world in black and white. Zacharias sees it as one of the dangers that can keep us from experiencing the true presence of God. Like me, Zacharias “used to belong to the herd” of people stricken with certainosity: “We placed a high value on doctrinal creed, foremost in which was the belief that it’s better to be right than redeemed.”

Zacharias gives a list of historical figures who espoused the religion of certainosity: “Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Castro, Osama bin Laden, Dick Cheney – to name a few.” I’m sure her inclusion of Dick Cheney in that list, as well as her sharp but insightful comments about Ann Coulter, will ruffle more than a few conservative feathers. But like so many good writers I’ve been blessed to read this year (Brian McLaren, Marcia Ford, Tom Davis, Peter Rollins, Tony Jones, Doug Pagitt, Chris Seay), she seems to transcend categories of “conservative” and “liberal,” offering insights and opinions usually associated with both (and neither) perspectives.

Zacharias looks at other ways “fear erodes our faith,” including false images of God: “God is not a capitalist wizard. Nor is he a medical magician,” she writes. She offers the new-age hit The Secret as an example of how people relate to a God who is more of a magician than a God.

I could relate to what she writes about those false conceptions of God. During my Dad’s extended hospitalization over the past 3 months, I’ve frequently found myself angry at God. But the God I get mad at is not even a God I believe in. I don’t believe God caused my Dad to get sick. My Dad’s medical problems were started, back in July, by two gallstones that got lodged in his pancreas – not by God. The resulting stress on his body – not God – led to a domino effect with the subsequent heart failure, lung failure, kidney failure, and brain damage.

In the midst of my current “cloud of unknowing” I don’t know from day to day what I do believe about God. But I can resonate with what Zacharias writes:

I only know that when I pray, God hears me. My doubts. My fears. My cries for help. My gratitude. My songs of praise. And even the most inaudible, inarticulate of prayers, he hears. And never once has he said to me, there’s no room for your doubts. Not has he ever suggested that I ought to go about claiming stake to anything – health or money or big screen TVs. The gifts he gives are given out of his good pleasure, not because of who we are, what we believe, what we claim. If there is anything I know for sure about God, it’s that he doesn’t barter in Green Stamps.
(page 79)

Where’s Your Jesus Now? can be difficult to read at times, especially when Zacharias is writing about tragic cases of murder and violence she has covered as a journalist. This is not a theological tome but more of an extended, Anne Lamott-type essay. It’s written in a breezy, conversational style that some might find inappropriate given the subject matter. But I found it engaging. And during those times of darkness over the past 3 months when I could only read novels, not theology, this is one of the few Christian books I found I could read and relate to. For that I am extremely grateful.

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The Hermit’s One Book

2008-10-19T00:53:00.002-04:00

A quote from Peter Kreeft:

I have a friend who camps in the Maine woods each summer. One day he met an old hermit who had not lived in “civilization” for forty years. He seemed uncannily wise… and when my friend asked him where he got his wisdom, he pulled from his pocket the only book he had had for forty years. It was a tattered, yellow copy of Ecclesiastes. Only Ecclesiastes. That one book had been enough for him. Perhaps “civilization” is so unwise because nothing is ever enough for it. The old hermit had stayed in one place, physically, and spiritually, and explored its depths; civilization, meanwhile, had moved restlessly on, skimming over the surface of the great deeps. While civilization was reading the Times, he was reading the eternities.

~ Peter Kreeft, in Three Philosophies of Life

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God is Present in the Darkness

2008-10-11T10:57:00.003-04:00

It has been 3 weeks since I’ve written anything here about my Dad, Lloyd Grizzle, who remains in the hospital, still suffering from complications that started on July 9th with acute pancreatitis. Since then, he has suffered heart failure, lung failure, kidney failure, the MRSA virus (which is still in his bloodstream), two different strains of hospital-acquired pneumonia – and now an abscess on his heart (which is being treated with antibiotics) and brain damage.

After an initial scan several weeks ago led the doctors to tell us Dad’s brain was not damaged during his cardiac emergency on August 17th, the neurologist yesterday confirmed that his brain had been damaged after all. Dad is able to communicate with us vocally but he is frequently disoriented, not sure where he is. He does not remember the house he built in the North Georgia Mountains, he does not remember his grandchildren, and he is only able to name 2 of his 3 sons. He sometimes becomes agitated and has to be restrained so he does not pull all the IV tubes out of his body.

All this has taken its toll on my Mother, who is wearing herself out with prolonged daily visits to Dad. She is not addressing her own medical needs, primarily her need for knee-replacement surgery. Bone is scraping against bone in one of her knees.

At my last visit a few days ago, Dad was lucid, but it was difficult to hear what he was trying to say because his voice was so faint. He pulled me to himself in an embrace and ran his hand along my beard. I made out the words “I appreciate you” but I was not able to hear what he was trying to tell me before and after those words.

I also made out, very clearly, the words “I’m ready to die.”

When he said those words I nodded my head and, when he saw that I had heard him, he sank back into his pillow, relaxing from the effort of trying to talk.

As I’ve written here before, it hurts like hell to see Dad in this condition. Dad was a very active, highly intelligent architect and aircraft design engineer who had started writing historical novels in his retirement. It hurts like hell to think of him experiencing moments of terror when he is unable to know where he is or why he is in restraints. I remember that terror from my own paralysis from Guillain-Barre Syndrome in 2002, those horrifying moments in the hospital when I would wake up in the middle of the night, unable to move, not knowing where I was. For me, those moments were very short-lived. They are not so short-lived for my Dad.

During my own hospitalization in 2002, I took comfort from one of the daily lectionary readings where I learned that God’s covenant and promises to Abraham were delivered to him in the midst of “a deep and terrifying darkness” that had descended upon him in the night (Genesis 15:12, NRSV). It was a great relief to know that, even in those moments of terror, God is somehow present in the darkness.

My prayer for my Dad is that those moments of terror will be few and far between, and that God will continue to heal not just his body but also his mind. My prayer is that God will continue to be present to my Dad, even in those moments when the darkness is deep and overwhelming. And if it is Dad’s time to die, to go home, to be reunited with his loved ones who have gone before, I pray that his journey will be painless and swift.

Banned Books Week

2008-10-01T10:28:00.002-04:00

Banned Books Week

2008-09-27T10:55:00.007-04:00

This week (September 27 to October 4) is the American Library Association's annual Banned Books Week. Celebrate your freedom by reading a banned book! I plan to celebrate by re-reading Allen Ginsberg's Howl and re-watching François Truffaut's 1966 movie version of Fahrenheit 451 (available on DVD).

Find out more about Banned Books Week from the ALA's website.

Visit the Online Books Page for an overview of Books Suppressed or Censored by Legal Authorities.

If you're on Facebook, you can join I Love Banned Books.

How about you? How do you plan to celebrate your freedom to read (a freedom not everyone on the planet can claim)?

Day of Prayer for the Millennium Development Goals

2008-09-25T07:45:00.005-04:00

The Millennium Development Goals (MDGs) are eight goals agreed to in 2000 by 189 heads of state and government - including the United States - from around the world that address the deepest material brokenness in the world today.

A special session of the United Nations is being held today, September 25, to discuss the progress (or lack of progress) that has been made toward these goals.

We are invited to join in with people of faith around the globe on this day, to:

+ pray with special intention for the extreme poor throughout the world.
+ skip at least one meal in solidarity with the nearly 1 billion people who go to bed hungry each night.
+ participate in an online advocacy action promoting our government's fulfilling its promises to achieve the Millennium Development Goals.

For more information about these extremely important Millennium Development Goals, visit this page on the Episcopalians for Global Reconciliation website. Here is a suggested form of prayer from the EGR:

Most loving God,

as your desire for mercy for the poor is unrelenting,

may we be unrelenting in our pursuit of mercy for all;

as your compassion for the suffering of the poor knows no limit,

may our hearts overflow with compassion for all;

as you long for justice for the poor, may we strive for justice for all.

Open our eyes to the structures of oppression from which we benefit,

and give us courage to accept our responsibility,

wisdom to chart a sound course amid complexity,

and perseverance to continue our work until it is finished.

Breathe your life-giving Spirit afresh into your Church

to free us from apathy and indifference;

through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Update on Dad: Continuing to Improve

2008-09-19T08:44:00.000-04:00

My father, Lloyd Grizzle, is out of the ICU and has been transferred to the Long Term Acute Care (LTAC) unit at Windy Hill Hospital, which is much closer to my mom's home (as well as mine). He is still on occasional (not continuous) dialysis as his kidneys continue to improve. He is still being weaned off the ventilator; he is able to breathe on his own for up to 10 hours at a time now. He is still not talking but he recognizes us now - the other day he grabbed my hand as soon as I came in the room, and he is able to communicate with funny faces and other expressions.

Dad's recovery is slowly but surely taking place. Best case scenario: He remains in the LTAC until he is completely weaned off the ventilator and dialysis, then goes to a rehab facility for about a month (for physical therapy, etc.), then comes home.

I want to thank all of you who have called and emailed me, and to all who continue to hold my Dad in your prayers. Please join me in praying that the best case scenario is what will happen.

with much appreciation,
Darrell
Grateful Bear
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Midnight Prayer

2008-09-11T11:12:00.005-04:00

My prayer-poem, Midnight Prayer, is being used by the Human Rights Campaign as part of this Sunday's commentary on the Revised Common Lectionary (the Scripture passages used by many Christian churches in their Sunday services).

I'm really honored that the folks at Out in Scripture found my prayer on the web and asked my permission to use it. Check it out! And be sure to sign up to receive the Out in Scripture commentaries each week by email.

Out in Scripture: Remember, Once You Were Oppressed
Commentary for September 14, 2008

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Cat Magick

2008-09-10T09:36:00.004-04:00

Yesterday morning, very early, Kato the mystical cat jumped into my bed and began walking all the way around me - down my right side, crossing at my ankles, up my left side, crossing over my pillow and beginning the circumnavigation again. He walked completely around me three times, counter-clockwise ("widdershins"), all the while maintaining a low purr. Then, when he completed the third walk, he stopped and gazed directly into my eyes. I was suddenly seized with an inexplicable compulsion to get out of bed (which I didn't really want to do, that early in the morning) and open a can of tuna for Kato. Which I did, of course, against my own free will.

It took the walls of Jericho seven circumnavigations before they crumbled. It only took three to make me crumble.

I think in all the classical arguments about free will and determinism, the philosophers and theologians have overlooked one very crucial factor: the power of Cat Magick.

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BookLog: Red Letters

2008-09-08T18:48:00.006-04:00

The idea behind Tom Davis’ book Red Letters: Living a Faith that Bleeds is simple: What if we took seriously the words of Jesus (printed in many Bibles in red letters)? You know, all those red-letter words about loving our neighbors, caring for “the least of these,” bringing healing to those who are suffering...

The recurring theme of Red Letters is that Jesus lived a life of compassion, and if we are truly following Jesus, we too will respond with compassion to the “lepers” and “Samaritans” of our day: the victims of HIV/AIDS – especially the children who have been orphaned by the disease. Tom Davis (shown below) is the president of Children’s HopeChest, a child-advocacy group that helps children orphaned by HIV/AIDS in Africa, Russia, and other parts of the world. In Red Letters, he tells us about the extent of the disease around the world (the soon-to-be 50 million people living with the disease) and he also offers concrete ideas about how we as individuals can help. For example, just buying the book – or buying one pound of Saints Coffee (I recommend St. George the Dragonslayer, a delicious dark-roast blend) – will feed an orphan for a month, through the network of food suppliers Davis works with through Children’s HopeChest.

Red Letters has a lot in common with other books that have come out of the emergent Christian conversation:

1. The book is unflinchingly honest. It can be hard to read at times, like when Davis talks about young girls in Africa being brutally raped by HIV-positive men because of a widespread belief that having sex with a virgin will cure AIDS.

2. The book calls us to move beyond the words of Scripture, to actually do the words of Jesus, not just read them or talk about them.

3. The book emphasizes the biblical vision of justice, which in Davis’ words means “making wrongs right, bringing blessing instead of curse, and giving our lives to serve others in need” (page 114).

4. The book calls us to a real-world faith, to see Jesus in the world around us. Davis invites us “to live a faith that is so real, you bleed Jesus. Here’s how to start: Look for Jesus every morning in the eyes of the people you meet. And then look for him in the mirror” (page 28).

5. The book quotes Bono (of U2) a lot. Ten times, in fact, which seems to be about average for an emergent book. :o)

Red Letters calls us to move beyond the “blame-the-victim” mentality (an attitude I’ve seen not just in Christian circles but among New Agers as well): “Yes, the majority of people with HIV got it through sexual contact or because of drug use. But does that make them less worthy of compassion?” (page 77). Davis quotes Kay Warren, “Jesus never asked how someone got sick,” and adds: “We shouldn’t either” (page 159).

Davis ends Red Letters with an invitation to join Five for 50, to make a commitment to stand in solidarity with the soon-to-be 50 million people living with HIV:

1. Give 5 minutes a day to pray for those suffering from HIV/AIDS.
2. Give 5 hours a week to fast for those suffering from HIV/AIDS.
3. Give 5 dollars a month to the Five for 50 Fund to support worthy causes.
4. Give 5 days a year to travel overseas to help alleviate poverty and suffering (or to help those in our own communities).
5. Give 5 people an opportunity to join you on your journey.

If you’re on Facebook, you can join Five for 50 using the “Causes” application. There are also Facebook groups for Children’s HopeChest and Saints Coffee.

Red Letters includes a great quote from Richard Rohr (page 105):

I would say that if you only think about Jesus, “believe” Jesus and believe things about Jesus, not much new is going to happen. It is the risk of “acting” like Jesus acted that reconfigures your soul. We are converted by new circumstances much more than by new ideas. Or as I like to say, we do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.

Red Letters: Living a Faith that Bleeds is a challenging and compassionate call to “reconfigure our souls,” to become more like Jesus by taking seriously his “red letter” words – to act like Jesus, not just “believe” in him.
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Update on Dad: Prognosis Good (Again)

2008-09-08T15:56:00.000-04:00

I want to thank everyone who has called me or emailed me, asking about the condition of my father, Lloyd Grizzle, who remains in ICU at Atlanta Medical Center. It has been over a week since I posted an update here. Here's a quick update:

Dad is beginning to open his eyes and be responsive to those around him. He is still under a lot of sedation, but he is able to move his arms and legs when asked by the doctor to do so. He is able to move his head in the direction of whoever is speaking to him. He appears to recognize us again.

A scan on Friday confirms that Dad did not suffer brain damage during his cardiac episode a few weeks ago.

Today (Monday 9/8), the doctors are planning to do a tracheotomy, to assist Dad in breathing on his own. He has been on the ventilator for several weeks now.

His primary doctor (a wonderful surgeon named Dr. Vu) is planning a second surgery, probably this week, to repair the damage sustained by Dad's liver during all these recent medical problems.

The doctors are hopeful that Dad will pull through all these difficulties, although his recovery may require long-term care. Once again I want to express how thankful I am to all of you who are continuing to hold Dad in your thoughts and prayers.

Darrell
Grateful Bear
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Raw Honesty & Faith

2008-08-31T19:19:00.002-04:00

My Dad’s 5-hour surgery went well on Friday, as far as his pancreas and gallbladder are concerned, but he is not responding to any stimuli – he is not squeezing the doctor’s hand when he is asked to do so, and he is not recognizing Mother when he looks at her. There is a strong possibility that he may have sustained brain damage during the episode two weeks ago when his heart and breathing stopped. The doctors will be unable to do a brain scan until he is off the ventilator (they will be trying to wean him off the ventilator over the coming week). Right now the prognosis is uncertain.

On Friday I got to spend some time alone with him before his surgery. He was heavily sedated and unable to talk with all the tubes in his mouth and nose, but I know he recognized me. I told him he was surrounded by love, by people who love him and who are praying for him – over 80 people were praying for him from Facebook alone – and he nodded his head. When I prayed for him out loud (the Prayer for Quiet Confidence from the Book of Common Prayer, followed by a very emotional prayer for his healing) and concluded “Amen,” he moved his lips in a silent Amen. Then he visibly relaxed, as if he were taking a rest from all the wrestling-with-the-angels he has been doing over the past month.

It hurts like hell to see Dad in this condition, or to even think about a sharp-witted aircraft design engineer who can’t recognize his own family. The idea of a Lloyd Grizzle who may be brain-damaged scares the shit out of me. The only prayer I can pray today is the memorized prayer below, and I’m almost able (not quite) to believe it. So in addition to prayer for my Dad I am asking that you pray for my own faith, which lies buried deep inside a trash-heap of fear and doubt right now.

I realize that kind of honesty is disturbing to some people. I’m afraid I shocked a friend last week when I told him on the phone, in a moment of raw pain, that “I don’t know if I believe in God anymore or if it’s all a bunch of bullshit.” He sent me a very warm and thoughtful message in response, part of which said:

“I admire the fact that in your life Darrell you do so much to help people but at the same time wonder why it’s so hard [for you] to find that same strength in yourself. ...It’s just with someone who does so much good for others (and I don’t think you know how much good you do). It’s hard when I see them unable to give that same attention to themselves.”

I thought all week about what my friend had written, and I’ve realized that I can’t always help myself the way I might be able to help others. I can’t be my own therapist, and I can’t be my own pastor. This is why I need community, which thankfully I have. I need friends and loved ones to pray for me when I am unable to pray for myself. I need friends and loved ones to have faith for me when I have trouble finding faith for myself.

This perhaps is the greatest gift I’ve received from this whole ordeal: the humbling awareness that I can’t go through this alone. And I don’t have to. I don’t have to be a spiritual superhero. Jesus talked about being present “where two are more are gathered” in his name. Sometimes it’s just not possible to have faith by oneself. Sometimes it takes “two or more.” Community. “The communion of saints.”

So to those of you who continue to stand with me in prayer, I truly thank you. In a very real way, you are making this difficult journey much easier to bear.

with much love and gratefulness,
Darrell

O God of peace, who hast taught us that in returning and rest we shall be saved, in quietness and in confidence shall be our strength: By the might of thy Spirit lift us, we pray thee, to thy presence, where we may be still and know that thou art God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
– Prayer for Quiet Confidence, from The Book of Common Prayer

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Good News (Finally)

2008-08-25T17:22:00.004-04:00

My dad, Lloyd Grizzle, is still in the ICU but today there are finally a few things to be optimistic about:

Dad's kidneys are functioning on their own again, and he was taken off dialysis today.
The IV antibiotics are working well against the MRSA infection he contracted last Friday.
His surgeon is confident that Dad will be able to have the surgery he needs (to remove the two gallstones that got lodged in his pancreas, and also to remove the parts of the pancreas that have necrotized). The doctor has scheduled the surgery for this Friday, August 29, at 10 AM.

After his cardiac emergency last Sunday, and his contracting of MRSA this past Friday, it is great to finally have some good news and an optimistic prognosis.

with gratefulness to all of you for your continued prayers ~
Darrell

For you alone, O Lord, my soul in silence waits...

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Cardiac Emergency

2008-08-18T07:06:00.003-04:00

Update, August 24th: My dad now has MRSA in addition to his other problems: acute pancreatitis, respiratory failure, kidney problems. He is still connected to a respirator and is now connected to dialysis as well.

My father, who is still in the ICU at Atlanta Medical Center, had a cardiac emergency on Sunday, August 17th. His breathing and his heart stopped for over a minute and it took the doctors over 5 minutes to fully resuscitate him. The doctors do not yet know if he sustained any brain damage during the episode. He is hooked up to a ventilator and is sedated so that he can rest. This is a major setback, and at this point we don’t know if or when he will be able to have the surgeries he needs on his pancreas and gall bladder.

Dad’s body is swollen all over from the fluids that have built up. His feet look like balloons. It is incredibly difficult to see him in this condition – connected to machines, unable to communicate – especially after he was so lucid and so talkative during our conversation on Wednesday.

It is also difficult to see the effect this is having on my mother. When Pastor Paul came to the ICU waiting room about 30 minutes after the emergency episode, my mother rushed over to him and hugged him and began crying, “I’m not ready for him to die.”

Please continue to hold Lloyd Grizzle and my family in your prayers.

with much love and gratefulness,
Darrell
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Irrational Flashes of Grace

2008-08-14T10:54:00.002-04:00

I got to spend several hours alone with my dad, Lloyd Grizzle, in his hospital room yesterday. He is still in a lot of pain, at yet another hospital – the 4th – to which he was transferred late Tuesday night. The inflammation of his pancreas has worsened, and he was transferred to Atlanta Medical Center in hopes that he could have the surgeries he needs within the next day or two. A CT scan yesterday, however, shows that his pancreas is still too inflamed for the doctors to operate safely. It seems like a cruel Catch 22: he needs the surgery (removing a gall stone that has become lodged in a duct) to relieve the inflammation, but he has too much inflammation to have the surgery.

It was nice to be able to sit by Dad’s bedside, just him and me. He is still hooked up to an oxygen tube, so it’s not very easy for him to talk. But he talked with me at length about the two unpublished novels he has written – I knew about one, a historical novel set in the 1800’s, and I had read parts of it, but I thought the other one was just a short story, not a novel. He asked me to download them from his computer next time I give Mother a ride to the hospital from their home in Jasper. The second novel appears to be a semi-autobiographical story about a young boy growing up in the 1950’s, dealing with the traumatic divorce of his parents. There are three angelic beings in the story, visible only to the main character. The three angelic beings represent benevolence, malevolence, and Light (divine wisdom). My dad wants to know if I think the angelic characters should be taken out, leaving only the human ones.

I haven’t read the novel yet, but I really like the idea of the angelic characters. I’ve written here before about feeling “irrational flashes of anger” during the past month my dad has been in the hospital (and I still experience those), but I’m also feeling “irrational flashes of grace.” I felt one yesterday, after my dad was wheeled off to have the CT scan. Riding down the elevator to get something to eat (this new hospital has a Chick-fil-A and a Starbucks), I felt the overwhelming sense that, in the words of Julian of Norwich, All Will Be Well. No matter what happens, the hand of Providence – perhaps the benevolent angel my dad wrote about – is present and active. It was an amazing sense of peace and grace.

I’d had another “irrational flash of grace” this past Sunday morning at Gentle Spirit Christian Church, as Pastor Paul was preaching on the Gospel passage about Jesus walking on the water (Matthew 14:22-33). Paul focused on that moment when Peter was trying to walk on the water himself and started to sink – the moment of drowning, when Jesus reached out his hand to pull Peter back up. I don’t remember everything Pastor Paul said about that moment when Peter’s faith clashed with his doubt, but I do remember feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit as Paul was preaching, bringing a tear to my eye and to eyes of others who were listening. I remember learning – in the heart, not just the head – that in those moments when everything seems to go wrong, Jesus is there with an outstretched hand, pulling me up, calling me to go “outside myself” in faith.

I am deeply grateful to Pastor Paul (and the Spirit who inspired his sermon) for that reminder. I am grateful that the differences that have kept my dad and me from communicating freely in the past have been overcome and he feels free enough to share his writing with me. And I am grateful, as always, for you – the many friends and cyberfriends who continue to hold my dad and my family in their prayers.

Darrell
Grateful Bear
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Update on Dad

2008-08-09T22:17:00.000-04:00

My dad, Lloyd Grizzle, remains in Kindred Hospital in Atlanta, with acute pancreatitis. He is now able to eat food (if hospital Jello counts as food), which is great since it has been several weeks since he could do so. He had a good CT scan earlier this week, confirming that the necrosis in his pancreas has stabilized and is not spreading. (That alone is an answer to prayer!) He is in good spirits, with a good sense of humor, but he is still in a lot of pain and sometimes falls asleep while talking because of all the pain medication he is taking. The doctors are talking about transferring him soon to another hospital (maybe Emory) so he can have the surgeries he needs on his pancreas and gallbladder. The prognosis is definitely improving.

Many thanks to all my friends and cyberfriends who are continuing to hold my dad up in their prayers.

~ Darrell [Grateful Bear]

Update on Dad / When Squirrels Attack

2008-08-03T08:29:00.004-04:00

My dad, Lloyd Grizzle, is now at the LTAC (Long Term Acute Care) unit of Kindred Hospital in midtown Atlanta. He continues to suffer complications from acute pancreatitis but his condition has stabilized. He is still in a lot of pain. His doctors will be meeting with our family this week to talk about a plan of action. The plan is still for him to rest and continue to heal so he can be strong enough to have the surgeries he needs: at least one, maybe more, to remove the parts of his pancreas that have become nectrotic, and one to remove his gallbladder. The doctors believe his pancreatitis came about when a gallstone became lodged in his pancreas.

One morning last week, as I was driving to Jasper, GA, to pick up my mom to drive her to the hospital (she is unable to drive because of vision problems), I passed beneath a tree branch with my convertible top down and a squirrel jumped down, landed on top of my head, and scampered into the back seat and jumped out of the car. Thankfully, I was wearing a baseball cap and survived the attack without injury. The squirrel left behind in my car some leaves and bits of the small tree branch it had jumped or fallen from.

My brother Jason said he read somewhere that squirrels are beginning to attack humans. I don't know if this was an attack or the result of a squirrel misjudging the strength of a tree branch. I did find this photo, though, at the website of Relevant magazine, which seems to support my brother's theory.

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Update on Dad - Long Term Acute Care

2008-07-27T10:56:00.002-04:00

My dad, Lloyd Grizzle, continues to suffer complications from acute pancreatitis but his condition has stabilized and his spirits are much brighter. He is still unable to eat solid foods, but he is able to breathe on his own again.

He is being transported on Monday to an LTAC (Long Term Acute Care) unit in midtown Atlanta, at Kindred Hospital. The plan is for him to rest and continue to heal over the next 2 to 3 weeks so he can be strong enough to have the surgeries he needs: at least one, maybe more, to remove the parts of his pancreas that have rotted, and one to remove his gallbladder.

I deeply appreciate the continued prayers and support of my friends and cyberfriends.

Darrell
Grateful Bear

Below: a latte art bear
(thanks to my Gay Spirit brother Chamblee54 for the link!)

From Anger to Laughter in the Critical Care Unit

2008-07-24T18:59:00.003-04:00

I got to the hospital early this morning, before any other family members arrived, and got to spend some time alone with my dad. He is back in the Critical Care Unit because of some infection in his lungs and continued infection in his pancreas. He is back on oxygen, and his breathing is labored at times. He is on a lot of pain medication and he drifts in and out of sleep. During the moments he is awake, though, he maintains a good sense of humor. He asked me something this morning that I couldn’t understand because of all the tubes in his nose – it ended with the word “good.” I answered, “I’m trying to be good.” He smiled and laughed, though I could tell it hurt him to laugh. He grabbed my hand tightly for about half an hour, before his hand grew too tired. His body is swollen all over, including his hands.

The latest CT scan shows that between 20 and 30 percent of his pancreas has necrotized – rotted. If he survives and the necrosis does not spread, he will be moved to a specialized care facility for a while. If the necrosis continues to spread and reaches 40 percent of the pancreas, he will be moved to a hospice.

Please keep my dad, Lloyd Grizzle, in your prayers. He is in the CCU at Northside Cherokee Hospital in Canton, GA.

I’ve been experiencing irrational flashes of anger over the past week, in large part because of the sense of powerlessness I feel. My friend Carl McColman warned me against feeling irrational flashes of anger at myself for allowing myself to feel irrational flashes of anger. Sure enough, that’s what I had been doing. Carl’s insight helped me break that cycle.

After spending time alone with my dad this morning, and talking with my pastor, Paul Turner, I feel a strange kind of peace about whatever happens next. I keep thinking of that verse in Ecclesiastes (the Grateful Bear paraphrase):

“God has made everything beautiful in its time
and has planted eternity in the human heart...”

I don’t know what beauty can be found in a situation like my dad’s. I know there is beauty in his life, and there is beauty in the way his life has influenced his family and others. There is beauty in the integrity with which he lives his life, a legacy I try to live up to.

And I know there is beauty in the many messages of encouragement and prayer I’ve received, either in person or through Facebook, my blog, or email, from friends I know “in real life” and friends I know on-line. That long list of friends and cyberfriends is a very real source of healing and support.

Darrell
Grateful Bear
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Healing Continues

2008-07-17T16:55:00.005-04:00

My dad has been moved from the Critical Care Unit into a regular hospital room, at Northside Cherokee Hospital in Canton, GA. He is now able to breathe on his own. Thank you for keeping him in your prayers!

Below: a turtle, slowly but steadily crossing the road yesterday in Jasper, GA

Dad in Hospital - Condition Improving Today

2008-07-15T20:48:00.000-04:00

Tuesday: A good day, gratefully appreciated after a bad day yesterday. My father, Lloyd Grizzle, is improving today. The infection and swelling in his abdomen (from acute pancreatitis, a severely inflamed pancreas) has decreased, and the infected fluids continue to drain from his body. He is still in a lot of pain, and today he was given a pain patch in addition to the morphine he is on. He is still not able to eat solid foods – he is receiving nutrition intravenously – but he says he is not experiencing hunger. As soon as he is able to breathe on his own, he will be moved out of the Critical Care Unit into a regular hospital room. Let’s pray that will be very soon.

I continue to be blessed by the prayers and messages of support I receive here. I can’t express how grateful I am for the many friends and cyberfriends whose prayers and healing energy are sustaining my father and my family.

~ Darrell
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Dad in Hospital - Condition is Now Worse

2008-07-14T18:30:00.002-04:00

Monday evening: My father's condition has worsened. All the good things we saw in the last two days have come undone. The infection, which had lessened, has now increased. His abdomen is now swollen to over twice its normal size. He is still unable to breathe on his own.

Dad in Hospital - Still Critical, But Improving

2008-07-12T09:51:00.000-04:00

My dad remains in critical condition in the CCU at Cherokee Northside Hospital in Canton, GA, but his situation has definitely improved. The swelling and infection in his abdomen (from the actute pancreatitis) have lessened, and the doctors are now saying that his pancreas is inflamed, not damaged. (Earlier they had said that parts of his pancreas had been “destroyed.”)

On Wednesday, the doctors were using phrases like “if he makes it through the night” and “if he survives” – now they are using phrases like “when the swelling goes down” and “when he goes home.” He still needs to have gall bladder surgery, when the swelling goes down. He is still using a bipap mask to help him breathe. His kidney function continues to improve, so he does not need the dialysis machines as the doctors had predicted.

I was grateful that my dear friend Tom Livengood, pastor of The Living Room Church, came by for a visit yesterday with my brother Jason, my sister-in-law Janet, and me, in the CCU waiting room. I deeply appreciate Tom’s love and support, as well as all of the wonderfully kind messages I have received from my friends on Facebook, my blog, the Whosoever and Gentle Spirit email lists (thanks to Candace Chellew-Hodge and Pastor Paul Turner), the Gay Spirit Visions email list, the Sufi Atlanta email list, and many other friends and cyberfriends.

With much love and gratefulness ~
Darrell
Grateful Bear

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Prayer Request: Dad in ICU

2008-07-09T09:46:00.004-04:00

My father is in the ICU at Piedmont Mountainside Hospital in Jasper, GA, and I will be driving up to Jasper this afternoon to be with my mother. They are treating him for peritonitis and gallstones. They are calling in 3 specialists to test for other possible problems, including pancreatic cancer.

This is one of the reasons I am grateful for Facebook: within 2 minutes (literally) of posting this in my status bar, I received 4 messages of support from cyberfriends around the world: Atlanta & Savannah, GA; South Africa; London, England. I very much appreciate the messages and also any prayers and healing energy you can send my way today.

Please keep my dad, Lloyd Grizzle, in your prayers and on any prayer lists at your respective churches, healing circles, and other faith communities.

~ Darrell

Update, Thursday, July 10: My dad remains in critical condition in the ICU. He is being treated "aggressively" for acute pancreatitis. His abdomen is severely swollen and is being drained of gas and infection. He needs to have surgery as soon as possible to remove gallstones but he would not survive surgery at this time.

Update, Friday, July 11: My dad has been transported to another hospital, in case dialysis machines are needed. So far, his kidneys are still functioning, so he is not yet on dialysis. The doctors do not expect him to live, but he is not surrendering to their prognosis. He is still aware and communicative, although it's difficult for him to talk because of the bipap breathing mask helping him to breathe. His abdomen is still severely swollen, but much of the fluid has been drained.

My pastor, Paul Turner (Gentle Spirit Christian Church), came and prayed with my father yesterday, along with my mother, my dad's sister, and me. Dad seemed very grateful for Pastor Paul's presence and his prayers, and he even smiled at one of Pastor Paul's jokes. Paul spent a lot of time with my mother and me and helped greatly to ease my mother's fears.

Please keep Lloyd Grizzle in your prayers. He is in the Critical Care Unit at Northside Cherokee Hospital, Canton, GA. I remain deeply grateful for all of my friends and cyberfriends, literally around the world, who are praying for my dad.

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Deadheads for Obama

2008-07-08T11:29:00.001-04:00

BookLog: We the Purple

2008-07-06T07:29:00.005-04:00

The Baptist megachurch near my home routinely flies an enormous American flag, about the size of my car, on a tall flagpole in front of the church. There’s usually a much smaller “Christian flag” underneath it, almost as an afterthought. This weekend, though, being the 4th of July weekend, the church has pulled out all the stops. I counted 30 full-sized American flags flying in front of the church yesterday afternoon, in addition to the enormous one. Only two crosses were visible, making the flag-to-cross ratio 31:2. The “Christian flag” was removed, perhaps because the board of deacons thought it might distract from the display of patriotism. Or perhaps because people might get the wrong idea about what is really being worshipped there. (Hint: It ain’t the Jesus of the Gospels, who gave his disciples a non-violent alternative to the ruling empire of his day.)

It bothers me when politicians try to co-opt the church. I know a small-town politician who does not attend church except for the six months prior to re-election time, when she suddenly becomes a Sunday school teacher.

But it bothers me even more when the church tries to co-opt the state. I’m bothered when the church, either on the right or on the left, tries to present its views as wedded to the teachings of faith. So when I saw the cover of Marcia Ford’s new book, We the Purple: Faith, Politics, and the Independent Voter, the part about being “tired of partisanship in the church” really appealed to me. The text on the cover reads:

Marcia Ford (check out her blog, also called We the Purple) writes about voters across the political spectrum who are no longer thinking in terms of Democrat vs. Republican, or even liberal vs. conservative. Ford writes about the growing numbers of independent voters who are actually thinking about individual issues and no longer buying in to the “package deals” offered by the two party platforms.

I have Catholic friends, for example, who call themselves consistently pro-life – they are against abortion, but they are also against the death penalty and the war in Iraq. They don’t fit neatly into either the conservative or the liberal camps.

Ford’s book offers a number of profiles of independent voters she has interviewed. She also examines statistics about current voting trends and takes a look at the problems with our current election system (including electronic voting machines). She talks about the growing number of young voters, for whom some issues, like gay marriage, are simply not issues at all. Gay marriage? Why not? Unlike their parents, younger voters “just can’t get all riled up about it,” says Ford. She believes that in time, “same-sex marriage will be legalized, due to a combination of aggressive activism by gay rights advocates, indifference on the part of the electorate, and issue-fatigue among evangelicals and other conservatives who are simply tired of the rhetoric.”

Ford also writes about the issue of abortion, which along with gay marriage is one of the two major concerns of evangelical Christian voters (at least the older ones). She gives fair treatment to issues on both sides of the debate, talking about women she has known “whose conscience – not James Dobson or Pope Benedict XVI – tells them abortion is wrong, and women whose conscience – not NARAL or Planned Parenthood – tells them abortion is a difficult solution to a difficult situation.”

One particularly intriguing chapter of We the Purple is “The Pew Distrust,” which starts off by quoting Gregory Boyd (“Jesus never allowed himself to be defined by the political conflicts of the day, and neither should we”) and ends with a look at the Emergent Church movement as a possible “spiritual home for independents” (a section based on an earlier article by Ford for explorefaith.org, one of my favorite websites).

We the Purple is an informative and encouraging look at an increasing movement of independent voters who examine their consciences rather than parroting a party line. It’s good summer time reading for this season as the 4th of July fireworks die down and the presidential campaigns heat up.

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Krishna Das Concert Review

2008-07-03T18:49:00.002-04:00

The great guys at RockOm asked me to write a review of the Krishna Das concert I attended in Atlanta on Monday, June 30. Here it is.

Return from Tybee Island

2008-06-26T09:26:00.007-04:00

I'm back from a 4-day sojourn with my friend Donnie to Tybee Island and Savannah, sunburnt lobster-red on both arms and part of one leg. The highlight of the trip was having lunch with two blog-friends that I have known for several years through email and phone calls but had never actually met in person until now. Here we are on River Street, three of the world's greatest bloggers: Tommy/Isaiah (isaiah knows nothing), Grateful Bear, Trev Diesel (The Sound of Diesel Musing). Tommy and Trev, along with another of the world's greatest bloggers, Jon Zuck (The Wild Things of God), are part of a great new website about music and spirituality, RockOm. Check it out!

Here are a few scenes of Tybee Island, including me in the motel pool, squinting in the sunlight. The top photo is from the back deck of Cafe Loco, my favorite restaurant on Tybee Island (the arrow pointing into the water says "Our Shrimp come from Here"):

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Peter Rollins: Nothing Remains the Same

2008-06-18T22:05:00.002-04:00

When Jesus spoke of being “born again” he was not referring to some proposition that could be considered through logic, religious sermons, Bible reading, or through some kind of reflection on religious experience; rather he was speaking of an event that opens up a whole new world of experience. Religious experience, in its fundamental form, is not then an experience at all but rather a counter-experience, one that transforms our mode of being in the world rather than being reduced to some strange feeling. With the incoming of this truth nothing necessarily changes in the physical world, no new object enters our horizon. But in its aftermath the person is never the same again, for everything has changed. This luminous life can never be captured, contained, or pulled apart; it is lived. This event in which nothing changes is an event so radical that nothing remains the same.

~ Peter Rollins, in The Fidelity of Betrayal

BookLog: Porn Nation

2008-06-17T07:35:00.008-04:00

As a therapist I’ve been seeing more and more clients whose lives have been impacted by an obsession with internet pornography. I’ve seen clients who sit for up to 8 hours at a time in front of the computer screen, viewing porn, and I’ve seen clients whose partners have become distant and alienated because of their addiction to internet porn. So I was very interested to read this book, Porn Nation: Conquering America’s #1 Addiction by Michael Leahy, and to see if it might be useful in helping clients deal with this very real problem.

Porn Nation is a strange hybrid of a book. It’s part memoir, in which Leahy tells how his addiction to internet porn escalated into other behaviors and eventually destroyed his marriage. And it’s also part self-help guide, with some very useful information about recognizing the progression of pornography obsession and breaking the cycle of addiction. But it’s also part diatribe about the evils of our “sex-saturated society” – not too surprising, given that the book’s publisher, Northfield, is associated with the fundamentalist Moody Bible Institute.

I respect the author of Porn Nation, Michael Leahy, for his openness and candor in telling the story of his own struggle with internet pornography. He pulls no punches and leaves out no embarrassing detail, from his first accidental masturbation experience to his increasing obsession with pornography – and on to engaging in “peeping tom” behavior, cheating on his wife, and eventually alienating his family and divorcing his wife. He talks candidly about the pain he caused his wife and children, and even includes excerpts from his ex-wife’s journal (presumably with her permission) about how deeply she was wounded by his behavior.

Leahy also writes honestly about the long road to recovery from his addiction. The answer he found was in a “faith-based” (code for evangelical Christian) support group that defined healthy sexuality as only existing within the context of monogamous heterosexual marriage. That worked just fine for Leahy, but it’s no solution at all for those of us who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender – or unwilling to buy into an evangelical Christian worldview that views sex as basically evil.

That view of sex comes through most tellingly when Leahy writes about the progression of sex addiction and introduces “a new term – sexual compulsivity syndrome, or ‘Sex Syndrome’ for short” (page 138). He goes on to equate ‘sexual compulsivity’ with ‘sex’ itself, in a very important section of his book. This is more than just a matter of semantics. Words matter. Leahy’s words reveal the anti-sex bias inherent in the evangelical Christian worldview. (To be fair, that anti-sex bias can be found in every other world religion as well.)

I do not believe pornography or erotica itself, as long as it is without coercion and between consenting adults, is inherently bad (although it can definitely be misused, or used compulsively, by some). I’m a card-carrying member of the ACLU who still believes in the First Amendment. So I’m sure Leahy would lump me in with the “academicians and sex workers alike [who] will defend their conviction that there isn’t enough wide-open sexuality yet to liberate our repressive society” (page 113). Leahy goes on to dismiss that caricaturized view without serious consideration. He goes on at length to lament our “sex-saturated society,” mentioning, at one point, one of my favorite TV shows, Sex and the City.

But even though Leahy misguidedly equates “sexual compulsivity” with sex itself in his discussion of “Sex Syndrome,” I believe the syndrome he describes is an accurate portrayal of what many sex addicts go through. As a therapist, I appreciate Leahy’s emphasis on the need for total honesty, accepting responsibility, and confronting the core beliefs underlying sex addiction. And I appreciate his lengthy references to Dr. Patrick Carnes, a well-respected expert who has outlined the indicators of sexual addiction (discussed in detail in Chapter 12 of Porn Nation, “Am I a Sex Addict?”).

So would I recommend Porn Nation? Yes, but only to a very limited clientele:

1. Those who already hold to the evangelical Christian worldview and who need help understanding sex addiction, either for themselves or their loved ones;

2. Those who want to read a compelling personal account of one man’s struggle with – and recovery from – an obsession with internet pornography.

For everyone else who is struggling with this issue, there are better alternatives available.

(By the way, Sex and the City: The Movie was absolutely fabulous – it was like an extended episode of the series, with its main theme being the importance of forgiveness. Very enjoyable.)

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Rumi: Since I Nourish a Seed Named Love

2008-06-09T06:36:00.005-04:00

i am no lion
to overpower my enemies
winning over myself
if i can
is enough

though i’m of lowly earth
since i nourish a seed
named love
i’ll grow
lilies of the field

when i’m pitch-black
lamenting separation
i know for sure
i will break through
spreading light on the dark night

i am on fire inside
but look grim outside
since i want to rise
like smoke through my cell

i am a child
whose teacher is love
surely my master
won't let me grow
to be a fool

~ the Sufi poet/mystic Rumi, ghazal number 1523

translated by Nader Khalili
in the book Rumi: Fountain of Fire

Communion in the Rubble

2008-06-07T07:06:00.006-04:00

My friend Dan Ra has posted a blog entry about last Sunday night's service at The Living Room, an Emergent Christian church that meets at Tilt Coffeehouse in Atlanta. He has included some photos of the communion service we held in an abandoned lot, following a prayer walk through the downtown Atlanta neighborhood of Castleberry Hills. Check out Dan's blog entry.

Above: Donnie Ray, playing the flute at the beginning of the prayer walk

Below: Grateful Bear

Lesson

2008-06-06T15:23:00.001-04:00

the cat sits
and watches the trees
and the birds and the flowers
outside the window

while lesser beings
sit
and watch TV

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The Gospel of Judas, Continued

2008-06-01T06:31:00.004-04:00

For all you Gnostic Gospel Geeks (G3) like myself, here are two recent and worthwhile articles about the continuing controversy over The Gospel of Judas:

Betrayed by the Media: GetReligion blogger Mollie Ziegler takes a look at a recent analysis by The Chronicle of Higher Education

The Case for Judas, Continued: Harold Attridge reviews two books about Judas for The New York Review of Books

Kato the Gnostic Cat appears unconcerned about the controversy. He is calmly doing his morning yoga routine on the sofa.

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Weekend in the Mountains

2008-05-26T20:26:00.006-04:00

Above: Kanuga Conference Center in Hendersonville, NC

Below: Table Rock State Park, South Carolina

Obama Statement on California Marriage Decision

2008-05-16T18:54:00.003-04:00

The Obama campaign released the following statement today on the decision of the California Supreme Court:

"Barack Obama has always believed that same-sex couples should enjoy equal rights under the law, and he will continue to fight for civil unions as President. He respects the decision of the California Supreme Court, and continues to believe that states should make their own decisions when it comes to the issue of marriage."

On the issue of constitutional amendments, Senator Obama has been on record for some time: He opposes all divisive and discriminatory constitutional amendments, state or federal. That includes the proposed amendments in California and Florida.

Tobias Barrington Wolff

Chair, National LGBT Policy Committee

Obama for America '08

Smiling Bear

2008-05-08T08:37:00.003-04:00

Bear’s Diverse Downloads

2008-05-06T07:26:00.005-04:00

Recently downloaded from eMusic (from high-brow to low-brow):

Heavenly Harmonies: Music of Thomas Tallis & William Byrd,
by Stile Antico
Ginsberg’s Thing, by Allen Ginsberg (out-of-print spoken word album)
Free Somehow, by Widespread Panic
Backwoods Barbie, by Dolly Parton

All downloaded for $14.99, as part of my monthly subscription to eMusic.

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Healing Retreat

2008-05-01T07:06:00.003-04:00

I had a wonderful time at my church’s retreat this past weekend. I had been asked to share on Saturday morning and afternoon about healing and renewal, which was appropriate given our location at a small retreat center and farm in south Georgia. Springtime renewal was happening all around us! It was wonderful to spend so much time outdoors in nature. It was also great to spend time with other members of the church, swimming, sharing meals together, just hanging out.

I had prepared enough material to do a day-long workshop on spiritual healing, and as it turned out, I didn’t use any of it. Our workshop time turned into an extended discussion, with most of the participants sharing deeply personal stories and insights from their own lives. I did manage to coordinate the discussion around some of the biblical passages I’d marked, stories of Jesus healing the sick (Matthew 8:1-4, Mark 3:1-5, Luke 5:17-26, John 9:1-7). Each story seemed to spark further discussion and further sharing. I think we all left with a deeper understanding of Jesus and his healing work, and we also gained a deeper understanding of each other. I never cease to be amazed at how complex, how insightful, and how wonderful the folks are at Gentle Spirit Christian Church!

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Earth Day 2008

2008-04-22T09:30:00.000-04:00

Invoking Uncle Walt

2008-04-22T09:16:00.005-04:00

As we celebrate Earth Day (April 22), let us invoke Walt Whitman, who wrote:

Smile O voluptuous coolbreathed earth!
Earth of the slumbering and liquid trees!
Earth of departed sunset! Earth of the mountains misty-top!
Earth of vitreous pour of the full moon just tinged with blue!
Earth of shine and dark mottling the tide of the river!
Earth of the limpid gray of clouds brighter and clearer for my sake! Far-swooping elbowed earth! Rich apple-blossomed earth!
Smile, for your lover comes!

~ Leaves of Grass, 1855

A List of Random Gratefulness

2008-04-18T21:27:00.005-04:00

1. Riding around in my PT Cruiser convertible with the top down (pollen be damned!)

2. The wonderful people participating in the Sufi Healing Circle for Earth Day, this Sunday (April 20) at 2 pm at Freedom Park in Atlanta (hope you can join us!)

3. Funplex, the new CD of sublimely shallow post-punk party-pop from The B-52’s

4. The graceful way the cat does yoga

5. The intensely green leaves of the giant oak trees in Marietta Square, seen against the deep rich blue of the late-afternoon sky

6. Roman Catholic geckos who would pray the Rosary if only they had opposable thumbs

7. Good friends, good coffee, and good conversation (what more do you need?)

Photo by Fran McColman – many thanks and much love, Fran!

Daily Caffeine Protects the Brain

2008-04-03T17:08:00.003-04:00

Coffee may cut the risk of dementia by blocking the damage cholesterol can inflict on the body, research suggests. The drink has already been linked to a lower risk of Alzheimer's Disease...

Here's the story from BBC News.

Thanks to Coffee Mystics member Sujatin Johnson for posting this link!

Movie: “The Nines”

2008-03-31T19:11:00.013-04:00

My brain is still reeling from watching The Nines, a mind-bending movie that defies genre. Released in August 2007 in a limited number of theatres, it has recently been released on DVD. Part comedy, part sci-fi thriller, part satire of reality television (and reality itself), it’s a remarkable film that interweaves three stories together in a way I haven’t seen since Pulp Fiction.

The best review of the movie that I’ve found is on the gay blog After Elton – unlike other reviews on the web, this review by Brian Juergens doesn’t give away the ending or attempt to answer the unanswered questions the movie raises.

Yes, the After Elton review does focus on the movie’s star, Ryan Reynolds, and that fact that he is a “himbo” – especially in the first of the movie’s three parts, in which Ryan plays a blond sun-bronzed TV star who has obviously been spending a lot of time at the gym.

(Ryan actually turns out to be a good actor, not just a pretty himbo. Who knew? He does a great job playing three very different characters, as does Melissa McCarthy.)

I think The Nines can be grouped alongside other metaphysical films like I Heart Huckabee’s (one of my favorites!), Being John Malkovich, and A Scanner Darkly – movies that entertain you but also leave you asking existential questions and wondering about the true nature of reality. This movie takes “you create your own reality” to a whole new level. I found myself deconstructing myself after watching the movie.

If you haven’t seen The Nines, I highly recommend it. Let me know what you think of it! If you post any comments about the movie here, be careful not to spoil the ending for those who haven’t seen it.

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Resurrection

2008-03-22T09:35:00.009-04:00

The Sufis are fond of saying, “Die before death and resurrect now.” We are all dying every moment, dying to our own fears, our own false concepts of ourselves, our own limitations. But we know this already, haven’t we been told? Let us die willingly and resurrect gloriously, spiraling into the future, consciously joining all those who believe and trust in the ultimate goodness of humanity, and serving with love and patience those who do not.

~ Theresa King,

in The Spiral Path: Explorations in Women’s Spirituality

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“If Jesus is the once and for all sacrifice for sin, understood metaphorically now [not literally], it means that God has already taken care of whatever it is that we think separates us from God. It means that God accepts us just as we are and that the Christian life is not about getting right with God. God’s already taken care of that. The Christian life becomes about something else, namely, living within this framework of radical trust in God and relationship to God that makes possible our transformation, and, ideally and ultimately, the transformation of the world.”

~ Marcus Borg, from explorefaith.org

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[Jesus] uttered a triumphant cry: “It is accomplished!” and it was as though he had said: “Everything has begun!”

~ Nikos Kazantzakis, in The Last Temptation of Christ

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Sound a trumpet through all the earth.

Our Morning Star is alive!

Risen in splendour, He is among us;

The darkness is driven back.

We, His people, join in the dance of all creation.

~ An Easter prayer

from the Celtic Christian Northumbrian Community

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I called through your door,

“The mystics are gathering

in the street. Come out!”

“Leave me alone.

I’m sick.”

“I don’t care if you're dead!

Jesus is here, and he wants

to resurrect somebody!”

~ the Sufi poet and mystic Rumi (A.D. 1207 - 1273),
from The Essential Rumi by Coleman Barks

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The Easter Card above is from explorefaith.org

Independence Weekend

2008-03-15T09:50:00.005-04:00

This weekend, Palm Sunday weekend, marks the 13th anniversary of my spiritual independence. It was on Palm Sunday weekend in 1995 that I “came out of the closet” and acknowledged to myself and to the world that I am what God created me to be – a gay man.

It took a long time to admit that, especially to myself. The process of self-acceptance had started a few months earlier, at a small, midweek Advent service at St. Luke’s Episcopal Church in Atlanta. The rector at that time, the Rev. Spenser Simrill, introduced me to a prayer, and a way of praying, that forever changed the way I saw God and the way I related to God. Instead of preaching a homily at that service, Spenser had us sit in silence for about five minutes and suggested that we coordinate this prayer with our breathing, like a mantra:

Gentle loving God, Mother of my soul, hold me as Your own.

Then, he led us on an Ignatian journey into whatever in our lives was causing us pain. For me, that was my sexuality, which had caused me such conflict and turmoil for so many years. Spenser invited us to experience the pain fully, grounded in the knowledge that we were safe in the arms of our gentle loving God. And then he asked us to consider if there were any way we could accept whatever was causing our pain as a gift.

The idea of my sexuality as a gift from God was overwhelming. I had been brought up to believe that homosexuality was a sin, an abomination before God. I had never fully loved myself because I could never fully admit to myself who I really was. And yet, that cold winter night in the middle of Advent, I realized for the first time in my life that God really did love me, “just as I am” as the old hymn says. And my sexuality was part of the me that God accepted. For the first time in my life I could feel God, the gentle loving God, Mother of my soul, hold me as Her own. And I began to open my heart to the idea of my sexuality as a gift, not something to be ashamed of.

That following Palm Sunday weekend I sat in the office of the Rev. Dr. John Westerhoff at St. Luke’s and spoke out loud about my sexuality. The earth did not open and swallow me; thunder did not strike. Instead, this respected theologian, this grey-haired, wizard-like priest told me that my sin was not experiencing same-sex attraction; my real sin had been not accepting God’s love for me as God had created me. My own self-hatred had been a perverse form of pride, telling God, “No, you're wrong – I’m not worth loving.”

My penance was this: John directed me to read Isaiah 43:1-7, every morning for however many days it took for me to believe it – to really believe it:

...thus says the Lord...I have called you by name, you are mine...

...because you are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you...

It took a little over a month of reading this passage every day for my self-hatred, my tortured pride, to crumble and for me to finally accept that God does love me, just as I am.

I’ve recently come to appreciate that passage of scripture as it is paraphrased in The Message:

But now, God’s Message,
the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end –
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.

“So don’t be afraid: I’m with you.
I’ll round up all your scattered children,
pull them in from east and west.
I’ll send orders north and south:
‘Send them back.
Return my sons from distant lands,
my daughters from faraway places.
I want them back, every last one who bears my name,
every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory,
yes, personally formed and made each one.’”

I still have days when my old way of thinking intrudes. I sometimes read scripture and see it through the eyes of the fundamentalist Baptist I once was, rather than through the lens of God’s love and acceptance. But now I know the truth. And each day as I pray this prayer, “Gentle loving God, Mother of my soul, hold me as Your own,” in rhythm with my breathing, I allow the prayer to center me, to ground me in God’s grace. And I allow myself to feel God’s loving arms around me, holding me secure, never letting go.

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