From Anger to Laughter in the Critical Care Unit
I got to the hospital early this morning, before any other family members arrived, and got to spend some time alone with my dad. He is back in the Critical Care Unit because of some infection in his lungs and continued infection in his pancreas. He is back on oxygen, and his breathing is labored at times. He is on a lot of pain medication and he drifts in and out of sleep. During the moments he is awake, though, he maintains a good sense of humor. He asked me something this morning that I couldn’t understand because of all the tubes in his nose – it ended with the word “good.” I answered, “I’m trying to be good.” He smiled and laughed, though I could tell it hurt him to laugh. He grabbed my hand tightly for about half an hour, before his hand grew too tired. His body is swollen all over, including his hands.
The latest CT scan shows that between 20 and 30 percent of his pancreas has necrotized – rotted. If he survives and the necrosis does not spread, he will be moved to a specialized care facility for a while. If the necrosis continues to spread and reaches 40 percent of the pancreas, he will be moved to a hospice.
Please keep my dad, Lloyd Grizzle, in your prayers. He is in the CCU at Northside Cherokee Hospital in Canton, GA.
I’ve been experiencing irrational flashes of anger over the past week, in large part because of the sense of powerlessness I feel. My friend Carl McColman warned me against feeling irrational flashes of anger at myself for allowing myself to feel irrational flashes of anger. Sure enough, that’s what I had been doing. Carl’s insight helped me break that cycle.
After spending time alone with my dad this morning, and talking with my pastor, Paul Turner, I feel a strange kind of peace about whatever happens next. I keep thinking of that verse in Ecclesiastes (the Grateful Bear paraphrase):
“God has made everything beautiful in its time
and has planted eternity in the human heart...”
I don’t know what beauty can be found in a situation like my dad’s. I know there is beauty in his life, and there is beauty in the way his life has influenced his family and others. There is beauty in the integrity with which he lives his life, a legacy I try to live up to.
And I know there is beauty in the many messages of encouragement and prayer I’ve received, either in person or through Facebook, my blog, or email, from friends I know “in real life” and friends I know on-line. That long list of friends and cyberfriends is a very real source of healing and support.
Darrell
Grateful Bear
.
The latest CT scan shows that between 20 and 30 percent of his pancreas has necrotized – rotted. If he survives and the necrosis does not spread, he will be moved to a specialized care facility for a while. If the necrosis continues to spread and reaches 40 percent of the pancreas, he will be moved to a hospice.
Please keep my dad, Lloyd Grizzle, in your prayers. He is in the CCU at Northside Cherokee Hospital in Canton, GA.
I’ve been experiencing irrational flashes of anger over the past week, in large part because of the sense of powerlessness I feel. My friend Carl McColman warned me against feeling irrational flashes of anger at myself for allowing myself to feel irrational flashes of anger. Sure enough, that’s what I had been doing. Carl’s insight helped me break that cycle.
After spending time alone with my dad this morning, and talking with my pastor, Paul Turner, I feel a strange kind of peace about whatever happens next. I keep thinking of that verse in Ecclesiastes (the Grateful Bear paraphrase):
“God has made everything beautiful in its time
and has planted eternity in the human heart...”
I don’t know what beauty can be found in a situation like my dad’s. I know there is beauty in his life, and there is beauty in the way his life has influenced his family and others. There is beauty in the integrity with which he lives his life, a legacy I try to live up to.
And I know there is beauty in the many messages of encouragement and prayer I’ve received, either in person or through Facebook, my blog, or email, from friends I know “in real life” and friends I know on-line. That long list of friends and cyberfriends is a very real source of healing and support.
Darrell
Grateful Bear
.
Labels: Gratefulness, Healing
posted by Darrell Grizzle | 6:59 PM
6 Comments:
Oh Darrell. What an insane, heart-wrenching, roller-caoster ride of emotion you and your whole family have been through. I can only keep wishing you all God's comfort and strength during this time, and let you know Lloyd will not be out of my thoughts.
Your friend Carl sounds very wise. Some level of anger is definitely not out of line for you to feel right now. And please don't make the mistake so many of us make in kicking ourselves for what we perceive as us not handling crises, adversity, grief, pain, whathaveyou "more gracefully". Who ever said we needed to always be so perfect and rational and graceful all the dang time? Especially in a time like this.
Though, as i read what you write, it is obvious you *are* dealing with this situation with an abundance of love, patience, compassion and grace. And i (and all your friends) do see an incredible beauty in that, and in the huge outpouring and surrounding of love your Dad has received. Ecclesiastes is right, no doubt.
God Bless and continued prayers, friend. *Hug*
Darrell, this is so hard and I feel for you and your family. grannymelissa is right, of course, anger is to be expected. It can neither rule you nor be ignored or pushed away. Feel it, acknowledge it, and manage it. All easier said than done, but your gentle spirit is showing and you don't seem to be doing it alone---I suspect Pastor Paul is great support to have present and then there are all your networks of friends. Lean on us as best as we can be leaned upon in the blogosphere.
Peace surpassing understanding to you in this time of trouble surpassing understanding.
-Neil
My dad died in 2005. I was a total Daddy's girl so it was excruciating to lose him.
I don't remember feeling unreasonable bouts of anger but I do know that I didn't feel these bouts completely upset my other family members because it was as though I didn't care as deeply as they did. But that wasn't true at all.
I had lost so many friends at a young age that I think I had already dealt with that unreasonable bout of anger thing.
If you experience anger, then feel it. Let yourself feel whatever it is that comes up. And if you don't feel what it is people tell you that you should feel, don't feel guilty about it!
What is, is (and is therefore beautiful). We all handle what is in very individual ways.
My daughter and I regularly light candles of intention and we'll continue to keep you, your family and father in our prayers.
I lost my Dad in 1998, and sometimes I still can't believe he's gone.
Wishing the best for your Dad and for you, Darrell.
This...http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2008/07/latte-art.html
...is slightly off topic. However, I think you will enjoy it, and you could use a break.
The anger is part of the game. I remember driving home from staying up for the night with my dad when he had less than a week to go. I was obsessed with rage over things that were totally irrelevant and had happened several years before. I suspect it is a body chemistry thing.
Be strong.
chamblee54...blogspot is not going to cut me any slack
Thank you all for your very kind comments here. You're right, of course, about the anger - it has not gone away, by any means, but now at least I'm aware of what's happening and can experience it appropriately.
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