Update: Grace Happens
Yesterday I helped Michael move his bed and some other things to his new place. It was difficult for both of us. We both know that separating is the right thing to do, but we still care very deeply for each other. I am excited about my new life “on my own,” and I am genuinely relieved that the not-so-wonderful aspects of our relationship are now over. But I am also grieving those aspects of our relationship that were wonderful. Those moments were many, and they are no less real, now that Michael and I are going our separate ways. They are now a part of me, and I will treasure them forever.
The pain I felt yesterday, helping Michael move out, was intense. It was just as intense as the physical pain I felt several years ago in the hospital with the neurological disease, Guillain-Barre Syndrome. After my paralysis wore off, and feeling returned to my lower body, the pain was so intense at times that the morphine and Oxycontin the nurses gave me were useless. The pain I felt yesterday was not neurological, but it was just as intense. In many ways my relationship with Michael has been “in paralysis” for quite a while now. We have tried to re-connect, to resurrect the deep love that brought us together five and a half years ago, but even with the help of one of the best counselors in Georgia, we just haven’t been able to do so. Now that the relationship is ending – now that the paralysis is over – feeling is returning to both of us, and it hurts like hell.
I believe this pain is a grace. I would much rather end a relationship this way, with both of us still caring for each other, than to end it with anger or resentment. This way, the many moments that were wonderful will continue to live on in our hearts.
I still believe what I wrote here before (October 3rd): I have always believed that Michael and I were brought together by Providence. I believe that the same angel who brought us together will continue to watch over us as we go our separate ways.
So now it’s just me and Kato, who has already covered our new mattress with cat hair, and a ton of wonderful and supportive friends. Shit happens – but grace happens, too. I’m currently experiencing both.